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GOLDEN ROD EDITION. 






The Hon. 

Job Larson 






HISTORICAL 
DRAMA 






PERSONS REPRESENTED: 

Prksident Abraham Lincolx. 

Tllli GOVERNOK OK NeW YORK. 

Mkaue, Hancock, Butler, Sickles, Federal Generals. 
Stanxaru, Colvil, Federal Officers. 

Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy. 
Lee, Hoou, Confederate Cienerals. 

Fessenden, Confederate Officer. 

Hon. Job Larson, Politician Out of Office. 

Eugene Thuden, Younp- Man Ruined by License. 

Cai't. Maginnis, Aide toG<ivern()r of New York. 
O'Bkikn, a Telegraph Ojierator. 
<".UY, A Crank. 

A Railroad Conductor. 

Jeffries, A L<KX)motive Entjineer. 

Jay, Green, Country Smarties. 
Tom, a Bar Koeiier. 

Flyn.v, Abbott, Jacobs, Union Soldiers. 
Justin, Railroad Brakemon, Goveknors, Sec'y St.anton, 
Union and Rebel Soldiers, Police and Others. 

Gloria, Daug-hter to Governor of New York. 

Victoria, Niece to Governor of New York. 
DULCINEA, A Flirt. 

Martha, Mentor to Job Larson. 






PRICE FIFTY CENTS. 





THE 

HON. JOB LARSON 



^ 



BY P, OGDON DREW 



Waconia, Minn. : 

A. M. COLWELL, PUBLISHER, 

1900. 



hhlSV 



TWO COPIES RECEIVEj 

SECOND COPY, Library of CengrtJ^ 

Office of tbtt 



JUN 1 5 1900 

hegl«t«r of Copyr1g;hf«c 

5-3 f/^ 



^V 



64835 



Copyright 1899 by A. M. Colwell. 
stage rights reserved. 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



ACT I, SCEls'E I. 

(Washington — Boom in the White House. President 
Abraham Lincoln. Governor of N. Y., Governors of 
Mass. J Ohio, Penn., Secy. Stanton and others discovered 
seated.) 

LINCOL^N": — "Gentlemen: Since first began, two 
years ago, our sanguine term of office, 
So oft repeated blood news of battle's come — 
And followed : Beginning with fell Antietam, 
Each discounting on its predecessors : Such deeds of hero- 
ism 
As not been known before on this fair continent: 
We grieve and faint, that brother's blood be so shed 
I' internecine strife 'twixt ISTorth and South : 
Eleven wayward sisters so out our States' galaxy. 
Infected with mad revolt let loose of Hell, 
Would cut the bonds our fathers drew 
In wisdom, and fraternal fealty true. 
So hear us God, — our one desire : 
From Heaven, they be tuned with sighs for peace 
To cool rough war's inflamed bruises 
And fold our country in downy wings of love. 
He who led Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, guide us. 
To bring to pass this consecration of our life. — 
IsTew York, our Juno sister. How bear your people 
Their share this latest levy on their dear sons ?" 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



GOV. ]Sr. Y. : — "Some illy, your excellency: Wliat with 
looking big, 

And with veiled or open threats and prophecies, 
Predict the North's downfall and fntnre ruin: 
The Southrons' better generaled, say they, 
And England, full of idle cotton mills, 
Is speedily to intervene and throw 
Her greatness upon the rebels' scale; 
Others cry, 'Let them go ; why sweat and pain 
To hold unwilling loves ? 'twere vain : 
The world wagged before and we'll wag after 
All these horrors often told or left untold ; 
With gold i' the markets bringing two for one.' " 

LINCOLIsT: — "Merely the noisy mouthings of ego- 
tists 

Which, as I take it, have infected every age 
Since history tells us tales of men. 
The general body, governor, believe me. 
Even as you and I, are raged as in a nightmare ; 
Yet resolved, withal, to push on — not stop — 
Till our spangled banners as of yore 
Rise and fall on the winds of Heaven ! 
Mobile to Shiloh ! Vicksburg to Sumter ! 
This is our life: beseech you; take you heart from it." 

GOV. ]Sr. Y. : — ''This do we essay, but dispatches just 
at hand declare : 

Greeley's last edition authenticates the rumor 
Of Benjamin's cotton loan in Europe: 
Lee's to have another thirty thousand cavalry 
And with direful suddenness of action 
Confuse our troops : swoop on Washington : 
Palsying, thus, our dear endeavors. 
Their right bower, Jubal Early, is to lead this force 
AVhich they believe, so fondly, nothing can withstand." 

LK^COLN:— "For their Lee, we've Grant: for his 
Early, — Sheridan. 

Betwixt their Richmond and our stamping ground 
Stands fast, many a serried rank of blue 
!N"or know they fear but to it go, 
With prayers for home and blows for foe. 
Our firm, tenacious, Stanton, here, sees to 't — 
The boys have all that may be given 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



In way of fiirnisliments. 

Take home to your states these assurances ; 

Infuse the people with your determined spirit; 

Do your parts well, — supply your portion, 

And yet we'll rid America's far-famed shore 

Of this horrid specter's presence : 

Teaching hlood is spilled under God-fearing guidance ; 

Tinging a sacrilical hue 

All this toil and weariness of heart and body ; 

Upholding by prayer through gaunt disorders 

To a calm haven of rest and joy." 

GOV. ]\IASS. : — ''Massachusetts, of the Pilgrims, ne'er 
turns her back to foes." 

GOV. PEi^X. : — ''Your Keystoner faileth not in time 
of deepest' woes." 

GOV. OHIO: — "Ohio's fertile acres breed men — ^not 
wives." 

GOV. I^. Y. :— "i^or yet New York, I'll forc't at what- 
ever cost of lives." 

(Exeunt. ) 

(Enter Capt. Maginnis and Gloria severally.) 

MAGTN^IS: — "The Governor's papers, where are 
they ? Oh, here ! So pressed are we with high affairs 
'tis wonderful we keep our heads in place — hello !" "You 
here ? how happened you here ?" 

GLOEIA : — "Can't I inspect the ^^^lite House, Mister 
Captain Maginnis, as well as any one ? But a pretty cava- 
lier ! Is this blank stare a lover's transport ?" 

MAG. : — "Perhaps not, but you know a man must gauge 
his mamiers to their recipient's mood, if that's a proper ex- 
pression, especially if it be a woman." 

GLORIA : — "Fie I fie ! how you speak ! but why be 
loitering and not attending father when I know he's on the 
very verge of breaking down, and near distracted by work 
connected on those horrid riots in ISTew York ?" 

MAG. : — "Hear me, hear me, your ladyship, he sent me 
back to fetch his parchment which inadvertently left he 
lying here." 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



"GLOEIA :— "Well, pray you take it and be gone. I'll 
follow on to Union Station with Victoria in half an hour." 

MAG. : — "Fail not ; we must get home to-night and will 
await you there. Take you a hack for these be times when 
strange things may hap in Washington." 

GLOKIA : — "Be not disturbed for us, but yourself, use 
comely conduct, that nothing comes amiss." 

MAG. : — S'death, you anger me. I'm not a school 
boy to be pulled along by ear, nor metamorphically 
spanked at all outlandish times, when whims run riot with 
you." 

GLORIA: — "Pray desist your lecture. We're not 
married yet." (going) 

MAG. :— "Where is Victoria ?" 

GLORIA: — (Outside) "In the picture gallery, — I go 
to her." 

MAG. : — (Solus) For one, I hope, my lady, we never 
will be married. Was ever man like me ? By rights too 
much distracted with this recruiting business to be in love 
at all, yet ten times worse, to be engaged to one while lov- 
ing dear another?" (Exit.) 

CURTAIIT. 

ACT I, SCEI^E IL 

(Willowdale. Interior of an Insurance Office. J oh 
Larson discovered seated. Enter Eugene Thoden. 

J- L. : — "How d'ye do, Gene : What's latest from the 
front, boy?" 

GEISTE : — "Damned low-dutch-yankee ! better go and 
ask your substitute, serving out such palty patriotism for 
a seven hundred dollar pittance, but offering by half less 
mark for rebel shots than would your own improper hulk 
— and thereby it follows. Job, that you have served the 
state without intending to — for by calculation 'twill take 
them twice the time to puncture him than you. — The front 
to hell! What have you in common there — so be it not 
a-guzzling rum in some moonshiner's captured still ?" 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



J. L. : — "]^aa ! ISTaa ! What would you have ? We 
who live by shearing lambs must nullify the tweaks of 
conscience somehow, an' how's to be done except with 
drink ? Answer me that, my hearty." 

GEl^E :— "Nay— not to your face." 

J. L. : — "Where would you then ? — to my behind ?" 

GEISTE: — "To neither; but by substitute. Your con- 
science ! Indeed !" 

J. L. : — "Ah, you rogue you ! When Polk called us out 
in forty-four I was just your age and all unspotted — but, 
the world, the world, has spoilt me ! Eemember you then 
this, which I have learned by knocks : ISTature's weak in 
all men and must be helped to bear with great responsi- 
bilities. Grow you, then, fat and merry; lean and jaded; 
as you will^ — as you start ; as I was going to say — ^^vhen 
you have come into your old gent's worthy shoes and rep- 
resent the country — as you should — do not let a free lance 
of love and drink and war be impaled by law, because to 
live, perchance, we dupe a joy or two — 'tis nothing lost I 
promise you, for to that end were they born, an't must be 
so." 

GEISTE : — "Partly, you say well : — would you captivate 
a maid, for instance? Start aright and half is done: 
Even so, get on the wrong switch and the devil's own is to 

pay." 

J. L. : — "By Dixie, you say true. Gene, I've had that 
happen me — but is not that soubrette at Daly's place a 
charmer ?" 

GEISTE : — "As a ripe peach for the plucking, honorable 
sir, and are not Sing Sing stripes cracker jacks for a mas- 
querade ?" 

J. L. : — 'ISTaa ! ISTaa ! drunken ape ! insinuate not so, 
personally, for what a continental have I to do with Sing 
Sing stripes ?" 

GE]^E : — "And where am I connected with your sou- 
brette at Daly's ?" 

J. L. : — "Why, Gene, you've often stood for supper 
there after the show was over." 

GE:N"E :— "Suppose I did: I paid for it all too." 



THE HON. JOB LAESON. 



J, L. : — Gene, you know you would have it so and said 
your casli might as well go so as any tother way." 

GENE : — "And when 'twas gone I run my face." 

J. L. : — "True, and run it so, that were not things as 
they are but as they were with me — ^but dropping that — 
when you are judge, Gene, pass not strict on skill with 
cards ; do not send gamblers to the lockup." 

GENE:— "ATo you shall." 

J. L. : — "Me ? By Dixie, I'd swinge the rascals into 
good behaviour." 

GENE : — ^"Hell ! Paunch, I mean you should conduct 
the gentry up to jail and so become a good conductor." 

J. L. : — "Eaugh ! Chump, the smallness of your mind 
sometimes disgusts me (G takes hill from pocket) Is that 
a hundred dollar bill ? — but really. Gene, you have the 
very worstest figurative speech imaginable and the slyest 
fox too, for your years — loan it me until next week: 
thanks ! — and still there's some accuse me of untoward 
influence over you. Gad ! an' they knew the truth, the 
thing's reversed. Between you, me and the gate post now 
— joking all aside — who's brought about these city larks 
of ours ? Just tell me that — you know — none better, and 
yet Deacon Forbes, the white headed sinner, preached me 
here about misleading youth astray." 

GENE :— "Hell ! You couldn't influence a half witted 
ape." 

J. L. : — "Exactly not ; I told him what was what, mind 
you that. He got a piece of mind from me, the canting 
hypocrite in sacreligious garb." 

GENE: — "Sacrilegious. Hell! You mumble words 
without connection, but I'll bet you did him brown. True 
wisdom views all sides of things — your deacon sees but 
one." 

J- L. : — "Or professes to — so much the worse — but you 
put it neatly. Gene ; I've often noted your comprehensive 
views upon philosophy. They're good, but dang it they're 
corrupting me. Damme, you can argue round and round 
and bring up this and bring up that and say that all re- 
ligions come from Moses; that all mankind are slaves to 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



circumstance ; that none are free but all is bound, and dif- 
fer only in degree. A maze of logic makes me spotless ; 
anyhow 'tis time to ape the saints since I can't much 
longer bear a devil's part." 

GENE: — "O Senility! would you dicker with tho^fe 
things as the strength of your pulse beat varies ?" 

J. L. : — "My thought was but your wise man's appli- 
cation of good principles, Gene — following the lines of 
least resistance and leading a decent life besides. I swear 
its not wrong to take the easiest way, for when all's said 
and done it's ending often 's not is good as any tother — 
(sound of footsteps approaching) Guy — ISFow shall we 
hear if anything's in the wind. Here's your born distor- 
ter of men's and women's character. Perhaps he sees me 
tipsy. Straightway the Devil's got me, and I'm on the 
verge of tremens. Or. say I go to church. Why the 
prophets are my intimates and saying beads my occupa- 
tion. 1^0 doubt such men are for a useful purpose, but 
what 'tis I've yet to ferret out" {enter Guy.) 

GENE:— "How goes it, Guy?" 

GUY: — "Fairly good. So here is our Monsieur de 
June ! Sir, your son, the station agent — God knows how 
happened he to be your son — anyhow, he's sick with 
stomach gripes and you must tend the job till his relieving 
agent comes." 

J. L. : — "Zooks ! Wlio told you this, Catalypse ? Does 
Mrs. Martha know it ?" 

GUY : — "She's tending him you may be sure and I 
have it straight from George himself; he bids me tell you 
not to fail." 

J. L. : — "Well, I'll do it, then, and with spirit ; I told 
his sainted mother that I'd cherish him, and the boy's 
bamboozled in that job. Red tape ! 'tis worse than com- 
missariat when we were do-s\Ti in Mexico ! I showed 'em 
there, results are more than methods, and damme, I'll put 
curves on their parabolas here." 

GUY:— "You! — an' you didn't get fired in that job, 
you'd shrivel up and die." 

J. L. : — "O, I've quick recovery powers — take care 'f 
yourself. I'm off." (Exit J. L.) 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



GUY: — (Calling) ''Get you not George in trouble or 
I'll punch your head myself." 

J. L. '.—(Outside) "Trust me." 

GUY : — "There's a character for your life — but, Gene, 
r come especially to talk with you today about our goings 
on of late. You know they're not a credit to ourselves nor 
anybody else and it won't do ; so let's quit and go enlist." 

GENE :— "Only for one thing, I would." 

GUY:— "And that is Dulcinea?" 

GENE:— "Yes." 

GUY: — "What you can see in her is more than I can 
comprehend. A shallow thing, baiting fellows on with 
simple, silly arts." 

GENE: — "There's another fellow wants her bad 
enough. I've seen his letters to her. 

GUY: — "Thus she tricks you on to the point. Bah! 
I'd sooner wed a Dinah. She knows your pocketbook's a 
fat one." 

GENE : — "Nixey. Jeffries' teaching me points in 
sparring. I'll have and hold her by lighting if necessary." 

GUY : — "Ye gods ! take your own road, then ! but watch 
her close. I've seen that kind before. When the woman's 
not a self-controller you'd best give her the go-by." 

GENE : — "Give your advice, whens't asked for, 
please." 

GUY :— "Oh, I've done. So-long to you." 

(Exit.) 

CURTAIN. 

ACT I, SCENE III. 

(Interior of depot telegraph office. J. L. discovered 
reading. Noise of passing train.) 

(Voice outside) "Look out young fellow, you'll tear 
your .pants !" 

J. L. : — "Huh— huh ! another duffer, on the through 
flyer, making town on one of Fatty Joneses' slow-up's. Slow- 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



up's ! he don't reduce a fraction, but the brakies made 
'em think he does. Not one man in ten knows how to 
jump off moving trains and, I swear, there's bound to 
come disaster from the practice yet. 'Tother day a fel- 
low let go and dropped — fairly flew a rod before he lit, 
and then gyrated through the mud half a dozen times." 

(Enter O'Brien^ dishevelled.) 

O'BKIEN":— "Pretty rank business, that!" 

J. L. : — (Behind Neivspaper) "Um-m." 

O'B. : — "Good morning, sir." 

J. L.:— "Um-m.^^ 

O'B. : — "I just arrived on that train." 

J. L. :— "Um-m." 

O'B. : — "Are you the agent ?" 

J. L. :— "Um-m." 

O'B. : — "I'm the new assistant — here is superintendent 
Tillotson's letter." 

J. L. : — (Throivs down newspaper^ "Brave deeds! 
Humph ! — Well, sit upon the table, and make yourself at 
home, (reads letter') — first position, willing worker. Good 
enough, you'll do, I hope ! For me, I'm sick and tired 
o' this business. The work and tape 's enough to kill a 
mule, but 'tis injustice and slack appreciation that makes 
me hot. You can't pick up a two penny sheet without 
seeing lots of printed rot about the heroism of locomotive 
engineers and the awful strain upon the train dispatchers, 
but never a solitary word about the station agent — and 
I'm supposed to be one now myself — to read the paper 
you would think an engineer always kept his gaze on the 
rails ahead and his grip behind upon the lever, wouldn't 
you ?" 

O'B. :— "That's the way they tell it." 

J. L. : — "Well; any section man can tell you an en- 
gineer's asleep half the time between stations. The only 
way to call 's attention to slow-flags or stop signals, is to 
shie a rock through 's cab window. There's the fact of 't. 
!Now, as for your train dispatcher whom the paragraphers 
make so much of, we all know what he is — a petty tyrant 



10 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



with an eight hour trick whose arduous duties consist in 
raw-hiding us poor wretches out on the line, bulldozing us 
into sending him a regular tribute of fresh eggs and but- 
ter. Heroism! Responsibility! Faugh, let's drink! 
— the bottle looks a little dirtv, but's all right. Hoch !'^ 

O'B.:— "Hoch!" 

J. L. : — "You're familiar with the tariffs, time-cards, 
rates, and rules and regulations, I suppose ?" 

O'B. : — "They're new to me and I'm a little lame there, 
but think can pick it up all right." 

J. L. : — "That's bad, though. You'd better sit right 
down and familiarize yourself with them. You'll find 
'em there in those files. Besides the tariffs there's a hun- 
dred supplements and twice as many more amendments, 
in addition to half a thousand circulars that you should 
post up on. Then there's the special rates-commodity; 
the modifying rulings applying to the differental rates — 
there's a couple score of them. After getting those all 
down pat, it would be best devote a little time to live stock 
quarantine by-laws, export consists, or learn by heart the 
routings, per instructions, to various terminals. Hello ! 
there's that freight here at last. Tell 'em there's nothing 
for 'em. I've got to go across the street collecting bills — 
you can check out any freight they've got." (Exit J. L.) 

O'B. : — "I guess I was a fool to think of trying this, 
but there's nothing like seeing things through once you've 
started in." 

(Enter Gondr.) 

CONDR. : — "Hello! T^Tew man here aint you ?^ — ask 
'm if he's got anything for twenty-three." 

O'B. ^.~(^Yoyl's l-ey) "He says,— '^t^^' " 

CONDR. : — ^Well, here's your 'soup.' We're in at 
'leven-forty. Screw yourself out here now and get this 
freight — don't dally long about it either. (Exit Condr.) 

O'B. : — "He talks like a bear, and I, his cub. Screw 
myself! I won't screw myself for hobo gangs of train- 
men — they can unload the goods or leave them in the cars 
and suit themselves. I sets right here." 

COISTDR. : — (Outside) "Come on out here 'n earn vour 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 11 

salary. Don't go to sleep iu your chair." 

"O'B. : — ''I won't do it ; 'taint right for them to act 
abusive. I don't care about the work, but neither do I 
want to be the butt of a lot of vulgar slang. Let them 
treat me as they ought." 

COKDR. : — (Outside) "Are you coming out or shall 
we tell them to send some one here to run this station ?" 

O'B. : — "Gee ! The dispatcher's calling again like 
crickey! I'll bet he wants them, but I don't want the 
telling of it to 'em. I won't answer." 

CONDR. : — (Outside) "Stay right along in there, 
you'll hear from, this tomorrow." 

O'B. : — "He does, he does ! I'm sure of it ; he makes 
the order sign. Well, if I'm going to answer, I must — 
(works key) I-I-w-d. (interprets) 'Get JSTo. 23.' " 
(Works key) "They're busy outside, backing in the sid- 
ing." 

(Interprets) "Stop them." 

(Works key) "I can't, they're in." 

(Interprets) "Fetch them out." 

(Works key) "They're uncoupled, I — " 

(Interprets) "Shut that key and go and bring that crew 
for orders." 

(Raps on windoiu and calls) "The dispatcher wants you 
now for orders." 

CONDR. '.—(Outside) "Tell him to go phmib to Hell." 

O'B. :— "^"0 I don't— I'll just wait. Let him call till 
he's sick of it. I aint no sucker for 'em to run over al- 
together. I can whistle too." (Whistles.) 

CONDR. : — (Appearing) "If its all the same to you, 
pardner, we'd just as soon have them orders. We've got 
a dinner coming up to^vn and 'ud like to get this train put 
away before night." 

O'B.: — "You here! — (Works A:ei/)"He says now there 
aint nothing for you — will run you through tomorrow." 

(Condr. gazes a minute, round-eyed, then rushes out.) 



12 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

COISTDK. : — {Outside) "Get a move on yourself there. 
Get that engine in the round house before he has another 
fit." 

CUETAIE". 

ACT I, SCE^E IV. 

{A saloon. Tom, the barJceeper, Gene, J. L., Mose and 
others drinking.) 

GENE : — "In the cooler over night : — he ?" 

MOSE: — "Aye, the marshal found 'im in the ditch, 
babbling — as though communed with spirits of the mud, 
and the worst of it is: — when brought before the justice, 
for disorderly, he'd no money to pay the fine, and now 
that he's disgraced his tailor sues upon account and '11 
garnishee his wages sure, so putting him in bad com- 
plexion with those he'd rather didn't know it." 

GENE: — "Well, poor Flynn, the poor unlucky dog; 

it shan't be so. I'll put up for's fine and debt." 

J. L. : — "Um-m, Gene, um-m !" 

MOSE : — " 'Twould be very graceful of you, sir." 

J. L.:— "Um-m, Gene!" 

GENE : — "Be quiet, sow ; you appear there, sir, as 
though you'd overwhelmed something and longed for 
something more ! — What amount will't take ?" 

MOSE: — "The fine and, costs are twelve; the tailor's 
balance a hundred fifty." 

GENE : — "So happens it, I have that sum. Here ; 
take this to him — my compliments, and tell 'm 's not my 
style to leave a friend in quandary." 

MOSE: — "Be sure I shall; also, how much he is your 
debtor. But let us drink before I go; one all round, 
Tom." 

TOM:— "What shall't be?" 

MOSE:— "Whisky straight; 's too cold for beer." 

TOM: — "All right, sir; here you are, directly." 

J. L. :— "Hot toddy, Tom, for me." 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 13 

GEISTE : — "Where's the good of having friends, an' 
thej hang back in times of need with vacant stares and 
mumbling o'er excuses for not coming forward ? I'm 
glad I'm not built that way. Should I run short of cash, 
old money-bags'll help me out; won't you, hey? (Pokes 
Mose. 

MOSE: — "You know it well, Master Gene; when you 
somethings need, come to Mose, he's always ready." 

J. L. : — "Um-m, Gene, um-m !" 

GEJSTE : — "Curst old toper ! will you cease and hold 
your jaw? Mose, your words bespeak the gentleman, — 
they like me well; you shall be my banker and receive 
good interest for your trouble. Let's drink on't." 

TOM :— "Same's before ?" 

GENE :—" Always the same.— Hoch!" 

(Exit Mose.) 

J. L. :— "Hot toddy." 

GENE : — "You and your hot toddy ! (Swings him 
around. ) 

J. L. : — "Easy, Gene, easy ; remember my lame back !" 

GEISTE : — "Lame back, lame back ; why have you lame 
back? You ought to be ashamed to say you have lame 
back." 

J. L. : — "I never do except 'mongst friends, but con- 
ceal it with a jaunty air ; nevertheless it's there ; I'm get- 
ting short of wind too — I feel it every morning. I must 
have examination — an' my kidneys be not out of order, 
I'm the cheese man in the moon." 

GEISTE : — "O, come off ; give him another hot toddy. 
(Enter Guy.) Here you, Guy! Come and drink with 
us. Remember not our words today, Guy; never a petti- 
coat of them all shall part us, dear old fellow. Come you 
here and let's wash it down with good old rye." (Em- 
hraces Guy.) 

GUY: — "JSTever mention it; 'twas no sooner said than 
'twas forgotten; take my advice, though — but, by-the-by, 
Gene, I made a raise in my pile today; here's the ven- 
erable 'C I had t'other night of you, for which accommo- 



14 THE HON. JOB LARSON 



dation also hold my everlasting obligation." 

GENE : — "No ! l^o ! Mention it not, dear fellow, — be- 
tween ns jolly comrades no accounts are kept; outsiders 
we assess where circumstance allows ; ourselves, ourselves 
are in common all. When I need the money, Guy, and 
you are by, then shall you pay it, not before," 

J. L.:— "Um-m." 

GUY : — "When you will ; you know 'tis free as water. 
Let's drink." 

TOM:— "What is it, Gents, this time?" 

GElsTE :— "Whisky, whisky!" 

J. L.:— ''Toddy!" 

GENE :— "Toddy ! toddy! you barrel ;— you'll kill 
yourself with toddy." 

J. L. : — "I'm tough with years and well inured to it. 
Besides, I don't excite myself with foolish, hot bombast, 
but give the liquor medicinal chance to work and do me 
good. You youngsters, bent on excess, strain yourselves 
beyond all reasonable reason, and neutralize its best ef- 
fects." 

GENE : — "Will you preach to us in such a strain ?" 

J. L. : — "Nay example's more than mottos. I know 
boys will be boys and do but show you how to do't with 
least condemnation." 

GENE : — "Oh, monument of knowledge, wise beyond 
your generation !" 

J. L. : — "Gene, Gene, fling not so at me, — it's all truth." 

(Enter B. R. Condr. and Engr. Exit Guy.) 

CONDK. :— "Thank Heaven, Hank, we're here at 
last, — guess we might's well liquor — Evening, Gents,-=- 
will you drink with us ?" 

{Re-enter Mose.) 

J. L. : — "How are you, boys ?" 

GENE : — "You are timely come. I was about to stand 
the treat. Take one first with me." 

CONDK. : — "As you say, not as we care, — mine's 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 15 

whisky, Tom." 

JEFFKIES :— "Me too." 

GENE :— "That's ours." 

J. L. :— "Toddj." 

COXDR. : — "Old blue-nose knows his own and cares 
not for the fashion. I brought along that case of wine, 
Gene, and those cigars you wanted from the city. They 
are in the baggage car. You can have them brought up 
tomorrow mor ni ng. ' ' 

GE]SrE :■ — "Did you bring them, really ? I am very 
much obliged. Mose, make him out a draft for fifty. 
iSTow boys another. — Tom fill the glasses up again." 

JEFFRIES : — "I spoke you for that racing filly, — 
she's yours, they'll bring her here on IVTonday." 

J. L. :— "O, damme." 

JEFFRIES:— "What ^" 

J. L. : — "Nothing. I had a twinge." 

GENE :- — "Mind 'm not, — he's full of pimples, and in- 
side festers. But, sir, you can command me for this 
favor. — Mose, a draft for him to partly recompense his 
kindness." 

J. Ti.(Aside) : — "He'll bankrupt 's inheritance before a' 
gets it.) — We're going, Gene; will you along with us (' 

GENE : — "That's right ! Go home old crony-feet ; 'tis 
no place here for kids ; we're engaged and will not home 
till morning." 

(Exit J. L. and Guy and Mose. ) 

{Sings) 

" 'Till morning, till morning. By the bright light in 
the morning.' " 

JEFFRIES : — "By the by, Gene, you know what we 
were talking of the other day? Well, they do say this 
new cocky in the depot is your rival there." 

GENE : — "Hey ! — Fill 'em up Tom — in the depot, say 
you 'I Who is — What's a' doing there ?" 

JEFFRIES: — "This new telegraph operator; but a' 



16 THE HON. JOB LARSON, 

ain't much; he's a pinched and skinny look as though a' 
had a chicken heart. An' it come to that, you'd do 'm 
dead easy; just give 'm that left upper cut on the chin 
and 's case is settled." , 

GEIS^E :— " Jeff, I'll do't; Jeff, that little girl must be 
mine; Jeff, I love her so! Jeff — Jeff — " 

JEFFKIES : — "Aye, aye, you shall ; brace up. Gene, 
brace up ; all you have to do is,— remember that right 
feint and swing for the wind, and the thing is over." 

GENE:— "Jeff, 'twould break my heart to lose Dul- 
cinea." 

JEFFKIES: — ''In a clinch don't forget that fall I 
taught you." 

GEATE:- "Jeff, she's mine; Jeff, she's a " 

CON^DE. : — "Tom, your golden goose-egg's getting 
sleepy; better find 'm a bed." 

(Staggers and falls — others catch him.) 

TOM : — "He's going it a little too fast. Just help me 
carry 'm in there, boys; he'll be O. K. by morning." 

CONDK. :— "Catch hold. Hank, and then we'll roll in 
too; we want to get a good start on that soldier train to- 
morrow." 

(Exeunt, carrying Gene out.) 

CURTAIjS\ 

ACT IL, SCENE I. 

(Willowclale exterior of a railroad, depot. Enter conductor 
and hrakeman, soldiers and others in liachground.) 

CONDE. (looking at watch) : — "'Well, here 'tis seven 
fifty-eight by my watch. Let's see, we leave at eight five. 
(To some soldiers) Better get on boys, if you're going. 
(To hrakeman) Have you got that freezer next the en- 
gine, eloe ?" 

FIEST BEAKEMAN:— "That's where she am." 

CONDE. :— "And that B. & O., without a draw-bar, 
behind the caboose ?" 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 17 

riEST B. :— ^'That's what." 

CONDR. :— "And the leaky C. & K W. ?" 

FIRST B. :— "Second from the engine." 

CO^DR. :— "When yon come back at Trestle Creek, 
Bill, get the sonth side seals ; I was jollying np the cham- 
bermaid at our hotel and am a bit behind this morning. 
I'll in here now to 'see if cocky's got a clearance for us." 

{Enters depot.) 

FIRST B. : — "Old Prob's up there's flying his snow 
signal ; wouldn't be surprised if we had to run for it this 
trip." 

SECOND B. : — "Be like our luck to stick a week, 
same's we did a year ago." 

FIRST B. : — "Right you are, me boy, but we'll take't 
as't comes. Old Allen says we're too afraid of work — the 
cuss." 

{Enter Condr. with clearance.) 

CONDR. : — "Here you are now. Bill ; hustle over to 
the engine ; tell Hank to let her go and not to save on 
steam nor sand. If she don't go in the ditch we'll reach 
Xew York by five o'clock or bust our guts a-trying it." 

SECOND :B. :— ''All right, sir." 

CONDR. :— "Tell 'm we've right of track to Big Marsh 
Crossing and he needn't stop to register at High Grade 
Hill either. If old Dispatcher Pinhead don't lay us out 
at Junction City, or think of some more empty cars he 
wants turned end for end, we'll make it good enough." 

SECOND B. :— "All right, all right, here we goes." 
(Exit Brakeman.) 

CONDR. : — "I swear it's getting worse right straight 
along ; last trip, what with horsing here and horsing there ; 
eight boxes sizzling hot and burning; engine leaking, and 
washouts on the line, we were good three hours late at 
noon. On top of that, hope to die, if he didn't blow out 
a cylinder head. Consequences was — we got to bed at 
four o'clock a. m. And, still, they want to know why we 
can't make time — bah !" 

(Re-enter First BraJceman.) 



18 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

FIRST B. : — ''Farmer out here wants to get through 
the crossing — says our train is blocking it." 

CONDR. :— "O, hell ! Tell 'm just as soon as God'll 
let us make up this train, we're going to get out of this." 

FIRST B. : — "I did ; he doesn't care for that, he says ; 
only wants to get his horses through to town or he'll 
swear out warrants." 

CONDR. :— "Swear 'n be damned to hell ! We won't 
open it ; we're going to pull out in three minutes. Tell 'm 
so. (Ex. First B.) People think a railroad's greater'n 
Almighty Providence itself ; when our train was stalled 
in snow drifts high's a house, I've had men threaten suit 
for damages to business on account of their delay; men 
otherwise intelligent too. It makes me sick, when they 
know we're doing all that flesh can do and want to get 
on ourselves full as badly as they think they do." 

(Re-enter First Brakeman.) 

FIRST B. : — ''Yes, but the jury'd allow them damage 
all the samee." 

CONDR. : — "Of course — soak it to the railroads, damn 
'em ! — no jury but considers that a duty which left undone 
would undo them." 

(Soldiers and others come forirard.) 

FIRST GEXT. : — "]^ow, Eddie, take care of yourself; 
send us frequent word of where you are and how it goes." 

SECON'D GENT.:— "Yes, remember we shall f(UKlly 
hang upon your letters — as lovers do, and o'er your ab- 
sence dote, as a mother nightly setting lamp lights on the 
window sill to homeward guide her missing boy." 

THIRD GENT. :— ''Aye, aye, be not so chary of speak- 
ing, son. Let us hear your tongue's familiar tones much 
as may be in these last few moments. Speak, and give us 
your good right hand's grip." 

FIRST SOLDIER:— "I cannot tind my voice; way 
down somewhere in my throat it sticks. But give me your 
hands — take it out in feeling pressure that firmly clings, 
yet still is strong to part." 

FIRST GENT. :— "Three years! they are quickly 
passed ; then we all shall meet again." 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 19 

THIRD GE^TX. :_"My heart misgives me— days, 
weeks, months of woe eonline in quick succession changes 
that should be out-sprinkled over half a lifetime. I'm 
faint and sick!" 

FIRST S. : — ''Bear you up, father — for my sake do it. 
Farewell ! farewell ! We must die once ; here or there 
that may happen. But if's given me to come safe home, 
be you all here to greet, and hear my army life experi- 
ences." 

SECOND SOLDIER:— ''So now good-by! Write me 
at the front of all the news haps here and I will let you 
hear from me there." 

FIRST WOMAX :— "I surely will. Good luck to you 
in war, my dear!" 

SECOND SOLDIER :— "The same to you at home! 
And so, so-long." {Embrace.) 

SECOND WOMAN:— "O, John, I cannot bear it— 
cannot bear it ! Your return will find me dead, I'm sure ; 
if, indeed, you ever do come more." 

THIRD SOLDIER:— "There, there, little woman! 
You'll be brave I know — look to my belongings; show 
your good housekeeping, and tend the old people nicely — 
trust no one, but keep your own and increase it if you 
may. All will be well and well be hap]\v when my soldier 
service 's over." 

SECOND WOMAN :— "Oh no, no, do not leave me— 
don't." 

THIRD S. :— "Be brave, be brave, I must— with this 
kiss are you sealed till I come back." 

CONDR. :— "All-11 aboard-d-d!" 

(Soldiers go to train. O'Brien puts his head out of 
depot hay-ivindoiv.) 

SECOND WOMAN :— "Oh-h-h— " 

FIRST WOMAN :— "Great God, bring him safely 
home again ! I could weep and wail, but he shall not see 
me so. (Soldiers sing as train pulls out.) 



20 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



(Song.) 

Farewell ladies, farewell ladies, 

Farewell ladies, we must leave you now ; 

Farewell ladies, farewell ladies. 

Farewell ladies, do not break your vow. 

(Enter J. L. and Gene, running.) 

GENE:— "Hey! Hey! We will along! {Condr. ap- 
plies rear brake). Come on. Puff-wind, a little longer; 
we'll make it all right!" (They board the train — Gene 
shakes finger at O'Brien.) '^'Have a care, Cocky, don't 
interfere with my pre-emptions. I'm coming back to Set- 
tle up with you." 

(O'Brien jumps out ivindow.) 

O'BRIEJST: — "Go talk to your uncle in the moon, 
whisky-face, but don't try it on me !" 

(People wave handkerchiefs after train. O'Brien skids 
trunks and boxes from platform into depot.) 

O'BRIE]^: — "This boosting, tugging job, — late hours, 
early rising rawhiding of railroading in general wouldn't 
hold me long, I can tell you, — but my best girl lives here 
in Willowdale. That makes me very humble, but strong; 
equally patient, but rich ; all at one and the same time. 
Since becoming gratiate in her good grace there's some 
color to life." 

(Enter Dulcinea. ) 

DULCIN"EA: — "Was that the afternoon mail that 
left?" 

O'BEIEN": — "^o, the mail's not due yet. 'Twas an 
extra combination with soldiers going South." 

DUL. : — "Why should you work so hard and fast ? 
Can't you get some help on all this pile of goods ? If 
you'll sit down a while I'll carry smaller pieces in." 

O'B. : — "I should smile, indeed ! I'd rather break my 
back than sit and watch you do it." 

DUL. : — "I'm not so fragile as you think, but can truck 
as well as you." 

O'B. : — "In good time you shall prove it, dear. But 
stand you by. I'm nearly done. O'Connor's rum, and 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 21 

Taggart's feed, and Major Durthie's baggage'll tiiiisli it. 
So you be near all work becomes as play to me." 

DUL. : — '"Are you sure, then, you love me ?" 

O'B. : — '"Oh, by all that I am or ever hope to be, you're 
all that holds me out of chaos up to any kind of centred- 
ness of thought and purpose, therefore, so much the more 
I value you." 

DUL. : — "Well, then, it's all right, so keep you faithful, 
and we escape the dirty work of Eugene Thoden." 

O'B. : — ''Why — why — -your words and manner chill my 
heart." 

DUL. : — "So mine is chilled. I am aweary of 's per- 
sistent ogling, and terror makes me fear our future's peace 
and safety." 

O'B. : — "Damn ! An' I get at him once, he's mashed 
to jelly! Hold up but a little, girl. Here, his father's 
powerful, but when we're married I'll fix the puppy. I'll 
do it though I have to get another job — there's plenty. 
He's gone down to the city today." 

DUL.: — "Well, then, I feel better now. After all, 
leave him leer, I'll sharpen my wits to put him out of 
face and — so thus good-by till after tea." (Embrace. 
Exeunt.) 

CURTAIN. 

ACT IL, SCENE IL 

(New York City, a street. Enter Justin, Jacobs and 
crowd of laborers.) 

JACOBS :—" Justin, why should we ? We'll not pull 
their chestnuts out'n the fire." 

JUSTIN:— "No, for then we'd be shorn as lambs." 

JACOBS :— "I mean, an' they force the draft we'll be 
with the anti's." 

JUSTIN: — "Now you're on your tootsy, — stick to the 
boys, old man." 

JACOBS :— "I'm a devil, an' I get started." 



22 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



JUSTIi^: — ''But slow of wrath and turgid, — backing 
up and down your hod of brick and mortar, — moiling 
late and early for a poor, dry living, whilst the chosen 
few, behind these gilded fronts, skin the government and 
work the nation's bonds to private gain." 

CHOKUS :— "Hear ! Hear! A speech, Justin, a 
speech !" 

JUSTIi^: — ''Why this is my speech! Manipulating 
paper credit; preying on distressed times; with a stroke 
of ink one of these fine fellows makes more than all we 
standing here can earn by life-long sweat and cares. Shall 
we, then, who stand to be in worse domain than niggers, 
go enlist and offer up our blood that they ' 

{Enter police.) 

FIKST POLICE :— "Move on, here— move on— dis- 
perse ! This is not to be allowed. There's danger brew- 
ing." 

JACOBS : —"To hell with ye, fat fool ! Yot bet there's 
danger here. Since when are voters of Xew York denied 
free rights of speech ? To hell with ye ! We'll not move 
on, I say." 

CHOKUS: — "Damn the police! Stone the police! 
We'll not move on !" 

(They fight.) 

(Enter Capt. Maginnis.) 

MAGI:N]S[IS :— "Now, now, what's this? Take them 
all to central, men." 

JUSTUS: — "We want our rights. Mister Governor's 
Aide." 

MAGINNIS: — "Oh, you skunk and popinjay! come 
here with hair in curl and perfumed scent to flout at de- 
cent men. Get you gone (strikes him) ; eat city soup a 
while (cuffs him) ; pound city rock a month (kicks him). 

(Exeunt police, driving moh out.) 

(Enter J. L. an3, Gene.) 

J. L. : — "To it, pro ; at 'em, anti ! Why, Gene, there's 
stirring times in Knickerbocker town. How the devils 
fought, but they proved too many for 'em, I'll warrant 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 23 

They'll all be up in court tomorrow morning for ten or 
twenty-five apiece." 

GENE : — ''So they ought, the asses. Let them tend 
their work and leave tlie better class alone." 

J. L. : — ''Better ^ Whose better, Gene ?" 

GEJSTE: — "Why, we men of means and power in the 
world's affairs." 

J. L. : — ''Aye, you're right, you rogue ; you've early 
learned the trick of great expectations fair in view. When 
pater kindly shuffles off there's few young men will have 
so neat a thing as you." 

GENE :— "In one way good enough, I'll allow. But 
all's embittered by one damned pill — you know there's 
Dulcinea hobnobbing with O'Brien." 

J. L. : — "I never knew a man content. Has he this ? 
Has he that? There's always something just beyond his 
reach that puts all else to scorn. Boy! where are you 
at ? What's Dulcie ? A pie-faced lass than whom ten 
hundred in this good city odds could give and discount 
seventy-five per cent. — in what ? In looks, in bearing, in 
marks for breeding better stock of sons, in social skill, 
in all, in everything — and still we sigh and call it bitter 
pill because we think she will not you." 

GENE : — " 'Taint that so much — the boys you know — 
I've sworn to cut him out." 

J, L. :- — "Ah, pique ! jealousy ! ego ! what you will ! 
When you've lived so long as I and been so often flam- 
be rgasted. Gene, you won't feel like this. You couldn't 
if you would. But here's Daly's, gay as usual. Let's in 
and see what we can strike." 

(Exeunt.) 

(Enter Maginnis and Chief of Police.) 

MAGINNIS : — "No, chief, you can't be too peremp- 
tory ; watch your disreputable places sharply and keep the 
agitators off the streets. The governor recognizes the 
ticklishness of the situation and intends to be here in per- 
son, full as much as at Albany. The state guards are 
at your service whenever needed. If that don't do, Lin- 
coln's promised to send some of those strong Western 



24 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

volunteer regiments. Those are the boys I warrant you'll 
clear these streets within a jitt'y,; there's no sentimental 
nonsense there about spilling free-born voters' blood, I 
can tell you that. JSTow, let's stroll on; we'll around 
through Central Park and back to take a quiet peep in 
Mr. Daly's Palace later on." 

(Exeunt.) 

CURTAIIsr. 

ACT II., SCE:NE III. 

{liuom in Daly's. J. L., Gene, Jay and Green gambling.) 

GENE :— "Gosh ! I've got the hecups." 

J. L. : — ''She-cups, you mean." 

GEiSTE :— "Damn this stuffy hole! I'm tired of sit- 
ting already — another round and we'll call 't oif , eh ?" 

J. L. : — "Yes, I'm sick on't too ; hurry up ! deal the 
cards." 

JAY: — "No siree, as I was saying, gentlemen; cold 
decks don't go where I'm playing. jSTot by a long shot." 

GREEN: — "Damn it. — I ante, anyway; 'tis no more 
than I've been doing all this while ; ante up ! stay with 
you ! and never took a pot ; poor hands have bluffed me, 
good hands beat me — wish I'd never learned the game." 

J. L. : — "You didn't. Well, Mr. Jay, are you in or 
not ? Don't dally all the time, please." 

JAY (slaps discard down) : — "Yes, go ahead ! Give 
me three." 

J. L. : — "How many, Mr. Green ?" 

GREEN:— "One." 

JAY: — "Oh hell! I ain't in it. An' I'd a bug here, 
though, I'd play you fellows to a finish." 

GENE : — "Never lose your courage. The ups and 
doA\ais of luck, you know." 

GREEN: — "Take it! My ante's gone again. What 
are those three next cards if I'd drawn four ?" 

J. L. : — "Oh fudge, on your post-mortem hands 1 
What's the good of them ?" 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 25 

JAY: — ''Well, let's have another jack pot Green: 
then, if luck don't change, we've a bellyful of city life for 
these next ten years." 

J. L. : — "All right, one more and quit, it is. Your 
deal, sir." 

GEEEIsT:— ''A jack for a double-X apiece?" 

J. L. : — "'Very well, anything to suit the company. 
That's one good point of the game ; the loser's will is law ; 
will he continue playing — will he quit ? The others can't 
object." 

JAY:— "Can't." 

J. L. :— "Can't." 

greets":— "Can't." 

GEXE :— "Dealer dassent." 

J. L. :— "Raise her X ?" 

GREEX :— "Go ahead ; big haul or bust !" 

JAY:— "Cards, gents?" 

J. L. :— "Pat." 

GREEl^T:— "Ha-ha! One." 

GENE :— "Three." 

JAY :— "I take two." 

J. L. : — "She's open, gents, for an even hundred to give 
you all a chance." 

GREEF :— "Ha-ha ! There's your hundred and an 
even hundred better." 

JAY :— "What ! You haven't ?" 

GREEN: — "Yes I have; 'tis safe enough." 

GENE :— "You're talky, lads. I drop " 

J. L.:—" Ahem!" 

GEXE : — "I drop my hand a moment to investigate 
my purse. Um-m, — yes, I stay." 

JAY: — "It's too altogether, altogether for me. — I'm 
out." 

J. L. : — "Well, Mr. Green, there's your hundred, and I 
raise 't a hundred more." 



26 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



GREEN:— ''I see you." 

J. L. : — ''You're hoarse, caddj;'' 

GENE :— "Well— I see vou both and raise't a- 



GREEN: — "A show-down, gents, for God's sake, give 
me a show-down; my money's all!" 

GENE :— ''No " 

J, L. : — "Yes, yes, let 'm have his show-down. What 
ye got ?" 

GREEN:— "Four little aces. There!" 

J. L. : — "Hold on— hold on — not so fast ! — a royal 
flush here. There !" 

GREEN : — "Good — good — it's good! I'm lost. 
I'm " (Falls.) 

JAY: — "He's fainted. This last was his employer's 
money. He's ruined." 

J. L. : — "The more fool he." 

(Feels Green s heart, raises and lets fall arm.) 

"God, lie's dead ! Come, Gene, away ! — Take this hun- 
dred, you, to help to get the body home." 

GENE : — "No, no, give him all — I'm going back for 
Dulcinea and don't want this throwed up at me. Yes! 
here ! sive it me ! I will have 't so. — There ! there's all 
your money!" 

(Exeunt Gene and J. L.) 

JAY : — "Bill, rouse up ! ye can't be dead, and yet — 
and yet — he is — he is ! Here in this Belial's town. What 
to do, and the money gone. — No; the money's here: — 
Bill's gone ! and such a way. O, what'll Parson Dole, 
and all the congregation, say ? I can't face them, I can't 
— that's flat. I've a mind to run away — express you 
home long with a note, and then to — to — then to war! 
That's it ! I will ! I will ! I will ! Earewell, Bill, my 
village chum. Farewell, farewell, farewell !" 

(Exit Jay.) 

(Re-enter J. L.) 

J. L. : — " 'S friend's skedaddled and left the body. 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 27 

This'll make a stink for sure. Metliinks I see headlines 
printed large and black: 'Another death in gambling 
dens. Virtuous young men enticed — ' and all that. I 
bought, a year ago, a substitute, and paid for him. Yet 
now I'm going to volunteer to Uncle Sam for nothing. 
Mayhaps 'tis healthier south than here, — for me. To 
what foolish end did I so skimp and save to stay back 
home ? Why do we ever thus labor, strain and exercise 
our ingenuity to so prevent some feared catastrophe ? Ten 
to one 'tis no catastrophe at all, but something for our final 
good. I'm aliiicted with a sort of wisdom's after-thought. 
I'm a dolt and ahvays was since left I off my mother's 
dug. What got I for my substitute ? Divers sprees with 
drunken boys, a dozen costly trips to this gay Gotham. 
Political prospects past all revival ruined and — now 
Gene's give the money back. Martha'll miss me for lack 
of some one to talk at, but that is all. I'll go, I'll go, 
I'll go!" 

{Exit J. L.) 

CUETAIX. 

ACT II., SCEXE IV. 

(Willuwdale. A road. Enter Gene.) 

GENE : — -''This is the hour, and this the corner. She 
can go no other way ; I'll wait. God ! how I shake ; some- 
times there's black specks before my eyes and my heart 
almost chokes me. O, what is it ? What is it ? I ought 
to have taken a good bracer of brandy sour-mash.- — ^O, 
mother, above, there's something wrong in life ! If you'd 
lived, I feel 'twould have been better. — Stay. Steady. 
She comes." (Enter Dulcinea.) "Dulcie, Dulcie, my 
love, I was waiting here for you." 

DULCINE A :— '' Why— O, how you startled me!— 
You look like a ghost or a pursued deserter. Which is it ?" 

GENE : — -''Oh, Dulcie, 'tis on account of you ; I am 
dissipating day and night and cannot eat nor sleep." 

DULCIXEA: — ''On my accoimt, indeed. What have 
I done?" 

GEXE : — " 'Tis said that you are sweet upon the 
operator." 



28 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

DULCIi^EA: — "Oh fie ! a young man without a cent." 

GENE : — "But Avhy do you write to him ? and talk to 
him ? and walk w^th him o' evenings ?" 

DULCIN'EA :— "Ah me (sighs); yes, why?" 

GEISTE : — "Dulcie, do you love him ?" 

DULCINEA: — "Gene, I'm afraid I do; it gives me 
such delicious feelings when he looks at me." 

GEKE : — "Curse you, then ; you shan't enjoy him." 

DULCINEA :— "What do you mean ?" 

GEXE : — "I mean that I am desperate. Say that 
3-ou"ll never speak to him again; that you'll only think 
of me; swear this — or die." 

DULCIlsTEA :— "Help ! Help ! A madman !" 

GEN'S :—" There's your help. (Stabs her.) N'ow 

squawk and have delicious feelings and " (See blood 

on his hands, drops her and runs out.) 

DULCINEA :— "Oh I'm not fit to die. I ' (Dies.) 

(Enter Martha.) 

MAKTHA: — "I heard a call, and saw that drunkard 
running, and knew there's something up. (Examines 
body.) Dead! Quite dead! Poor child in all her silli- 
ness ! I told Job Larson how 'twould end. For her, 
'tis better so ; for life has little good in store for weaklings 
such as she.^ — Lie you here, dearie, till I can help secure. 
Job Larson shall never hear the last of this while my 
tongue has power to make him hear." 

{Exit.) 

CURTAIK 

ACT II., SCE^TE V. 

(Tom's Saloon. Tom cleaning decanters. Enter Gene 
hurriedly.) 

GEXE : — "Whiskv, Tom ; for God's sake a glass of 
whisky!" 

TOM:— "Well, then, here. How now? What's up? 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 29 



Mau, you look the spook clear through ! What do you peer 
around the corners of the room for? Another? 'Tain't 
snakes, is it ? You're not that bad, I say ? By your face, 
the devil's got his grip on you." 

GENE : — "It may be, that may well be. Look here, 
and here — here — here ! Blood ! Blood ! All blood ! O, 
give me another ; shove the bottle here ; let me drink and 
drown my thoughts — aye, and senses, memory, life, and 
all — all ; let me drink and die. — I've done it, Tom I I've 
killed her. — God ! how it spouted on me like a fountain !" 

TOM :— "What did ? What did T 

GENE : — "Dulcinea's blood from out her panting little 
heart. It didn't strike me home till then, — and then; 
Oh, I dropped her and run — run ; but you can't run away 
from them. Still can I see and hear them." 

TOM :— "Who ? Where ?" 

GENE : — "Imps of hell within my brain. Tom, I 
can't wipe this blood off; you can't imagine how it sticks. 
Oh, Tom, our good times all are past. Oh-h there's not 
a hope left for me." 

TOM: — "I should say not. So you've killed that little 
girl ! O, you fool — fool, fool ! I doubt if your father 
can save you this time. Gene, I wouldn't be in your shoes 
for double over all the money that he owns." 

MOSE : — (Outside) "I saw him run in here and Widow 
Martha saw him do the deed. Get you in and take him ; 
I'll stay back ; I'd rather lose my dinner than come face 
to face upon him now." 

GENE : — "Toiu, hide me somewhere, anywhere in some 
dark place. No, not dark ; leave a light for I'm afeared. 
Conceal me well so none can find me." 

TOM:— "Sh-h. They're coming. Get through that 
door instanter — quick — don't make any noise ; you've 
been a good customer to me, and I'll help you if I can." 

(Exit Gene, enter officers.) 

TOM : — "Now the imps blast you black — wouldst have 
it past closing hour again ?" 

FIEST OEFICEK:— "Something more'n that, Flashy, 
and there's others coming too." 



30 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

TOM: — '•'Found another drunk to saddle on to me? 
Wlij don't jou go where they get full '(!" 

FIRST OFFICER :— "Look here, Leary, I believe 
you know what we want. We want Gene Thoden — I 
mean it. Remember you're not in gilt-edge reputation 
now." 

TOM:— "Well then, take'm; I can't afford to get my- 
self in trouble — he's in there." 

GEjSTE : — (Ap2)earing)'' And there's a bastard brand of 
friendship with the varnish off. Here am I, gents." 

FIRST OFFICER :—" Well, you're in for it now, but 
that's the best way to take it, quiet and easy, go along 
with us; then we'll not have to use you rough." 

GEjSTE : — ^^ Just one favor, gentlemen ; let me get the 
bottle filled to take along, otherwise I shall go mad, I 
know it." 

FIRST OFFICER :— "Well, let 'm have it; he'll need 
something bad enough before this is over — Hurry, Tom, 
a l)ad job's best, when quickly done you know — now come 
alono- — awav ! 'Tis awful when our little town such 
scenes as this should know." 

CURTAIN. 

ACT III, SCENE I. 

{Neiv York City. A Street. Enter J. L. and Guy.) 

J. L. : — ''Say you so ; that Gene went home and killed 
the girl because she wouldn't marry him ? I swear I can't 
believe it — it don't seem possible. And now he lies in 
jail with death sentence o'er his head — well, well, well!" 

GUY: — "Poor fellow — 'tis all too true. I'm on my 
way now to try and intercede for him. Half an hour ago 
we sent ahead a long petition to the governor. Sentiment 
veered around up there in Willowdale since the first ex- 
citement cooled down, and all the people join in asking for 
his liberty — but ha'nt you seen it in the papers ?" 

J. L. : — "jSTo, no. Since that chap died in Daly's pri- 
vate room I've been lying low and didn't read the papers. 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 31 

I'm enlisted now and have a company. We're to start 
sontli tomorrow and join with Ilookef's force before the 
end of the week. Jeffries, Flynn, Jacobs and others of 
the boys are going too. 

GUY : — "I say, yon appear fine in these military togs ; 
how happens it yon look so well V^ 

J. L. : — ''I took medicine — 'twas advertised on tlie bill 
boards, and cnred me up in three weeks pat." 

GUY: — "Well, come along with me to Governor House. 
Lets say our piece to help ])oor Gene; then, if they'll take 
me, hanged if I don't go long with you's to war." 

J. L. : — '^Xough said! Xever fear on that score. The 
Governor's worried and 'u'd probably pardon all in Sing 
Sing if that 'u'd fill this latest <lraft." 

GUY: — "Come on, then, come on! for I can hardly 
wait to don blue clothes with bright brass buttons." 

(^Exeunt.) 

CUETATK 

ACT III. SCEXE 11. 

{N. Y. A Room in tlie Governor's house. Enter Victoria, 
Captain Maginnis. ) 

YICTORIA :— ^'Shall fickle men so play with hearts ? 
If your burning love for dear Gloria glows no longer, 
conceal it deep, I beg of you, while still she's ignorant. 
Do not let your falseness show in every move you make, 
nor in all your general manner. iSfot to uselessly eon- 
denm yourself is justifiable, indeed, 'twere rather pardon- 
able to use prevarication, making protestations of great 
regard although 'twere really otherwise." 

MAGINXIS :— Help yon me, Victoria, to do that 
which is right. I would all kindness, all politeness, all 
consideration show to her. But there I'd end; my heart 
rebels 'gainst everything looking for anything more than 
that. Being so, what's to do ? All my homage bows to 
you ; all my joy is thoughts on you ; all my dreams of 
future hold you in the fore-ground, the life of all that's 
there. Do not ruin me, then. O, dear girl ! by banish- 



32 THE HlN. job LARSON. 

ment to drear existence in your cousin's unloved company. 
Don't you see ? — better for her, better for me, to break off 
now, to straighten crooks, than thus continue in the errors 
of our way ?" 

VICTORIA : — ''The argument of selhshness and weak- 
nesses, — nothing else." 

MAGIjSTNIS : — "Of weaknesses yes, but they are part 
of life itself; but not selfishness, say rather self-preserva- 
tion, to which in last extremity all of us come. My fate's 
been shown to me. My good angel's in your eyes I should 
be other thing than man did not I strive to gain it." 

VICTORIA: — "Oh, rather say you've donned new 
clothes and sally forth on fresher mischief bent. You 
should be ashamed, 'tis not manly to act so." 

MAG : — "As God hears me ! as the blue Heavens bend 
above the earth ! 'tis truth, living breathing truth. You 
are my better half or I'll have none." 

VICT. : — "Y'ou mean my cousin is, but were I her I 
wouldn't, knowing you from this.". 

GOV. K Y.:— (outside) — "Maginnis." 

MAGIJ^^^IS :— "Aye, aye, I come.— Tell her so. tell 
her so, dear ! and you'll be mine, and she'll be mated to 
some other one like us. Don't fail me." (Exit Mag.) 

VICTORIA: — "She doesn't care a wisp for him, but 
whether she knows that or not is more than I can tell. At 
any rate, 'tis safer to keep him in the dark as yet." 

(Exit.) 

(Re-enter Maginnis tvith Govcrjwr. 

GOV. : — "I find by this petition, signed by jury, judge 
and hundreds of his townsmen, they don't want young 
Gene Thoden hanged after all. A terra in prison, at 
the most, they say, would be sufficient punishment." 

MAG. : — "Xo doubt, immediate use of the pardoning 
power would strike them favorably at this moment ; though, 
should you comply, you can't tell what they'd say and do 
about it later on." 

GOV. :— "There's the hitch ! the fickle public's weather- 
cocked opinions ! We never know, in political life, Mag. : 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 33 



Shall we find the voters here or find them there on next 
election day. But, here comes his friend to further urge 
the case (Enter Guy). Well, sir, we've run the papers 
through and were just discussing them. — How's the young 
man bearing up ?" 

GUY: — "Better than might have been expected, sir. 
We've got the whisky out his brain and he is penitent. 
You must know, sir ; I come, not only as a friend, but to 
represent his stricken father's person. The proud old 
man is do^^^led and sees too late the errors of his ways ; the 
boy's not been reared to brook with opposition nor to 
gracefully receive afflictions, and bear up steadily alike 
under fortune's smiles or frowns : No ; not these, but 
quite the contrary have been his chieflest traits of char- 
acter. His mother died when he was young and his father, 
a purse-proud Philistine of business, handsomely supplied 
the lad with spending money, thinking that was doing all. 
His character was left to form itself or rather so with 
help of servants and acquaintance more or less pernicious. 
Xever's he before been vicious-bad, but headstrong and 
full of self, not being by his elders trained to sense of 
human limitations : all his sins, except to himself, were 
rather pranks and cuttings up nntil this girl got in his 
heart and raised a jealous fever there. Even now I scarce- 
ly think he realizes his position sore. Oh, governor, think 
of such an hapless ending to what might have been a use- 
ful life and heed your petitioners' prayer. Think of that 
old man in his last days thus seeing all his industry cursed, 
with nothing left to life but bitter gall and wormwood ! 
Be not less merciful than those kind neighbors who've here 
signed themselves in his behalf. Grant this ; give Gene 
his freedom and they and all of theirs shall be your debtors 
without end or scope." 

GOV. : — "Providence send afflictions which we cannot 
always understand ; teaching the immutable laws of 
Heaven, if not to ourselves, yet still to others. We live 
our day and pass away and time's tide of events nor waits 
nor stays. — A thousand years but as a day. Wherefore, 
then, attempt to stem the course of iatei Who knows 
but out of seeming evil comes a far-off good ?" 

GUY : — "I cannot understand ; the gloomy events of 
these davs makes mv mind confused." 



34 THE HON'. JOB LARSON. 

GOV. : — '*To be plain and honest ; as governor, I'm on 
my oath to serve the people as a whole; enforce the laws 
approved to be our safeguards. Sometimes, 'tis true, their 
weight falls heavily npon atllicted men but in justice to all 
we dare not let extenuation stand in the way of righteous 
execution." 

GUY : — ''.Vh, but others do it ! has not the power been 
given for a purpose ? Or would you say 'tis but for show ? 
How many pardons by how many governors since time be- 
gan ! See — by that ]>aper in your hands ! Even who con- 
demned him think liis present punishment is fit ; that clem- 
ency now were not out of place." 

GOV. : — "We all know what a petition means — nothing: 
some sign for this reason, some for that, but most because 
'tis cheaper than to refuse." 

GUY: — ''Is this all, then, to a haggard, waitings 
father ?" 

GOV. : — "I'm sorry that 'tis so, 'tis not the nuin that 
speaks but the governor." 

GUY : — "I've sjjoken to the man ; another waits below 
and bid me say, if I failed, he would implore an audience 
with the Governor." 

GOV.: — "Well, let 'm come uj>; though it must be use- 
less." {Exit Guy.) 

GOV. : — "A miserable case, but what can I do ; fathers 
would have me palliate the injuries lu'ought upon their 
offspring through their own neglect in by -gone years." 

MAG. : — "I've seen this youngster ; he never knew what 
discipline was. Up there in Willowdale his sire's position 
opened every door and furnished keys to whatso'er he fan- 
cied ; never laboring; never facing a responsibility; he's 
grown up animal-like — sensible only of the lower facul- 
ties. Now to quit his other mentor. He conies — " 

{Enter J. L.) 

GOV.: — "Good morning, Mr. Larson, I l)elieve we've 
met before." 

J. L. : — ''So we have. I thank you for remembering it. 
Of course vou know whv I've come ?" 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 35 

GOV. : — "Too well, I think — personally, gladly would I 
iirant the ])ardon Ijut it won't do — the laws ninst be fiil- 
iilled." 

J. L. : — "Hnhl 'twonldn't be the first time.'' 

GOV. :— "Xo ?— what then r 

J. L. : — "Do't again for ns. The crime was not pre- 
meditated. The boy is young and was shaken of drink 
when he committed it. Give him a chance and let 'm go 
to war. An' eternal justice wills his death She can shie a 
rebel bullet through him. 'S father's county committee 
chairman up there at home." 

GOV.: — "Urge me not, worthy sir; I'll be bound I 
make example of it were his father chairman of the par- 
ties' state organization itself. The laws ; the people ; must 
be granted right to guide this ship and be upholden in't 
by me, their servant." 

MAGIXNIS :— "State of Xew York; County of 
Kings. — " 

GOV.: — "Aye, so it goes; we're liinited, tied down, 
and fastened with legal phrases mathematical in their ex- 
actitude ; yet, still they'd have us break them when they're 
in trouble; coming with plausible amplifications o' God- 
given mercy; begging relief for bursting hearts and whit- 
ened hairs down trodden with grief and shame. So far, 
all right; but after that the reckoning comes for me alone. 
— AVithout compunction, the thousand-mouthed press band- 
ies and tosses back and forth, our name : Slurs, with all 
the venom they possess, our kindest, best intentioned ac- 
tions. Xone, who've not tried it, Larson, can guess 
the difficulties of so conducting this office as will still re- 
tain the people's good opnion." 

J. L. : — "You mean the voter's good opinion — don't you ? 
but never mind that, its all one and the same thing — but 
are not you the governor '{ — none else ? Decide you, then, 
like a man. Fear none but God. 

GOV. : — "As you say. My better judgment tells me 
this youth should ]>ay the penalty of sin." 

J. L. : — You've said it! you'll want friends betimes 
vourself." 



36 THE HON. JOB LA RSON. 

GOV. :— "I fear none but God. 

J. L. : — "So saj you now, but wait till another cam- 
paign's coming on. Do the needful in this- or you'll be 
sorry. That's what I say. I bid you kind good day." 

GOV.: — "Good day, good day, Mr. Larson." 

{Exit J. L.) 

"A hornet's nest! a pretty mess! Shall I pardon 

him or not, Maginnis ?" 

MAGI]S'"jN'IS :— "Well, I dunno; there's been worse 
done." 

GOV. : — "Tomorrow morning is the time. I'll go and 
smoke a pipe upon it. I'll see you later if I decide to 
act." 

{Exeunt severalty.) 

CURTAIK 

AOT III., SCE^^E TIL 

{Willowdale Telegraph office lighted with lamps.) 
{O'Brien discovered sitting.) 

O'EKIEN": — "So stay I here in dull routine a little 
longer ; all work and no play ; freight in, freight out ; cash 
book and tickets ; wares commercial and O. S. ; but 'tis 
nearly over. Dulcie lies underneath the weeping willows, 
embraced in cold and mildewed earth ; she doesn't hear the 
purling brook so near her resting place, nor note's she that 
grassy greenness o' early summer that once was her de- 
light. How the wires sing in the darkness ! 't must be 
changing weather somewhere up the line. — I never no- 
ticed it before, but it seems as though they sound a requiem 
for her and to my strained and broken heart's lost hopes. 
God ! God ! God ! Why do we live \ Is't only to lose — to 
lose and grieve while sick and faint at soul for that which 
can never come again ? Oh, is it well or is it evil ? these 
fires that come to purify our minds ? sometimes, do they 
even more, burning out the life of men and leaving hollow 
empty shells where once was all the fullness of content. 
Buried ; she's buried ; and her spirit's on the other shore. 



THE HON. JOB LARSON 37 

Shall I meet her there ? I've little hope ; I'm off the beat- 
en track, and she — was earthy Tomorrow, Thoden 

swings ! Nothing can save him now ! Once, I was a little 
afraid, but all their work and worth has come to naught; 
nothing can save him now. I'll be there and catch his eve 
with sneers ; I'll embitter the wretched coward's end with 
taunts ; I'll — Ha ! a call — 

{Works hey and takes message, with breaks) — 

"N'ow, Hell, hear this: (reads) — Executive Mansion, 
14th: To Squires, Sheriff, Willowdale: — Postpone in- 
definitely execution of Eugene Thoden. Eull pardon pa- 
pers follow by tomorrow's mail, signed : 

"The Governor of the State of K'ew York. 

"This — is this to be the end? Shall worms feed on 
Dulcie's tender flesh while he goes free ? No ; ten thou- 
sand times no ! Why — I can write a better wire than that 
— Crumpled, lie you there {throws message). iSTow — a 
blank — {writes). There ! Justice, justice, hear thou this : 
{reads) 

"Executive Mansion, 14th. To Squires, Sheriff, Wil- 
lowdale: Proceed on time with Thoden's execution. I 
will not interfere with the just and proper sentence hang- 
ing o'er his head. Signed: 

"The Governor of the State of Now York. 

"Now to deliver ; the time grows short. Old office ! run 
yourself a while ! What care I 'I Come calls, or breaks, or 
wrecks or what not. I've other things to steer the way 
they ought to go !" 

{Exit.) 

CURTAIN. 

ACT III., SCENE lY. 

{New York Governor's hed-chamher. Governor making 
morning toilet.) 

GOYERNOR : — To-day I'm going to complete arrange- 
ments for another regiment to get away on Friday. Hanged 
if 'taint one after t'other and no show for an end. Blamed 



38 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



if I believe the rebels ever will surrender and if 'twasn't 
for Gloria and Victoria, damme, I'd resign and take 
a trip to Europe. There's lots think thej could play 
Governor better'n me — an' I dunno but they could, I dun- 
no but they could, — but those confounded fiery girls would 
scorn me if I'd quit. One good thing — that murder case 
is settled and Thoden, right or wrong, is free. Come in — 
(Enter Maginnis) how now, what's up ? 

MAGIJ^NIS {ihrowing down newspapers) : — ''Govern- 
or, good morning, fine morning, happy morning ! Every- 
thing's up; Oh, I tell you, we're right in the swim; thou 
most upright governor of the times ! the most " 

GOV. : — ''Maginnis, impart your meanings instantly to 
me." 

]\rAG. : — "Why Thoden's hanged and you're high cham- 
pion of justice," 

GOV. :—'' What ? Thoden hanged? how come't? tell 
me more !" 

MAG.: — "Why of course, this was the date set, you 
know, and as I came here ; on the cars ; through the streets ; 
in the offices ; all over ; without stint, I find the people all 
commendative of you ; seemingly relieved, as though they 
had been roused from out their cynicism of belief in pulls 
political, and money's base corrupting power, into a sur- 
prised appreciation of the morally soiuid foundation in 
their government. Here are extras of all the papers which 
I brought along with me. These thousands now are read- 
ing, you may be sure, with most attentive eyes." 

GOV. :— ''I am struck ! I'm stunned ! What say they ?" 

MAG. : — "That the unexpected happens ; that it some- 
times snows in summer; one, hints of a mistake; another, 
insinuates the women of your family took up the poor 
girl's cause ; but all, even the opposition, credit you a 
stiffer backbone than anyone believed before, for every- 
body figured you'd surely succumb to the strong influence 
in his favor." 

GOV. : — ''Hm-m — let's see — let me see. O, I can't 
think — can't balance myself, Maginnis!" 

MAG. :— "Yes ?" 



THE HUN. JOB LARSON. 39 

GOV. : — ''Willowdale's a telegraphic point." 

MAG.:— "Yes?" 

GOV. : — "There's an operator there." 

MAG. :— "Yes ?" 

GOV. : — "That fellow, whoe'er he is, was the girl's 
fiancee." 

MAG. :— "Well ?" 

GOV.: — "Oh, you're chimb! Damn it Mag, I wired 
the boy's reprieve np there last night." 

MAG. : — "Whew-w-w yon — a pretty mess, indeed." 

GOV. :— "I see a ray of light !" 

MAG. .-—"Where ? where? show it me!" 

GOV. :- — "Don't get fnnny now — see here. If he's sup- 
pressed the message or something of the kind, is it likely 
he would blab about it ? Then, if not, all we've got to do 
is to see him before he does. Get you up to Willowdale. 
Corner, but do not frighten him. Tell 'm good tidings 
from me — tell 'm mums the word, that there's a change 
in the aspect of the case and there's good advancement for 
him in view." 

MAG. : — "I'm on ! I go ! I fly with the wind ! Depend on 
me, all will be well." 

{Exit Mag.) 

GOV. : — "I hope it may, I hope it may, Damn the case ; 
damn the people, anyway. If they approve him hanged, 
why the devil sign petitions by the yard and mile 'i Now 
to interview the Western Union here and flx their files for 
future reference." 

CUETAIK 

ACT III., SCENE V. 

(N. Y. A Street. Enter Maginnis and O'Brien.) 

MAGINNIS : — "Yes, my boy, it means more than you 
can possibly imagine till time proves the wisdom of my 
words. 'Tis not only hope's renewal, but a life under so 
much more advantageous circumstances as not to be at 



40 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

all comparable with what you've known before. Think of 
't ! A chance to do and dare ; a chance for fame, position, 
heroism and usefulness, — does't not fire you up a little 

bit ?" 

O'BRIEjST: — "Spasmodically, yes; but I tell you grief 
is physical as well as sentimental, and bodies can't revive 
like spirits." 

MAGIl^NIS: — "Thanks to youth, in your case that 
will righten out itself; without intending it, you gave the 
governor a most almighty lift at a very critical time and 
he wants to reward you for it. He's a man that don't for- 
get his friends. I've been wdth him a year and am going 
to the front myself tomorrow. You shall be aide on dough- 
ty Hancock's staff and envied of all less fortunate follows." 

O'BEIE^N^ : — ''Well, do with me as you will and under- 
stand my thanks are heartfelt, though seem they cold and 
listless. Life is staled on me and could I do service be- 
fore I croaked 'twere not entirely vain !" 

MAGINOTS :— "Oh, ho! my lad, that's right; we'll 
have you singing different tunes once your blood begins 
a-tingling to the glory of our cause. Come on, come ou! 
the governor '11 be overjoyed with this." 

(Exeunt.) 

CIIRTAIK 

ACT III., SCENE V L 

(New York-. Boom in Governor's House. Governor and 
O'Brien discovered.) 

GOV. : — "I don't mind admitting to you, O'Brien, that 
I'm very happy this has turned out so nicely (Enter Gloria.) 
— But here's my daughter ! — Gloria, entertain this gentle- 
man till I return. Give 'm jocose memories to take to 
war; here's the paper with his name and charge; prod 
him briskly, spare him not, poor fellow, he needs it bad 
enough I fear. I must confer a bit with Maginnis." 

(Ex. Gov.) 

GL. : — "I fear me too, Mr. (reads) Harry O'Brien 

-— a sorry soldier you will be." 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 41 



O'B. :— "Very like." 

OL. : — "A soldier must a good stomach; you seem dys- 
peptic." 

O'B. :— "Um-m, well I am." 

GL. : — "And a good heart; yours is cracked." 

O'B.:— "Ha! think you?" 

GL. : — "And choleric spirit; yours is humble, broken." 

O'B. : — "That's partly true ; I've some left though :" 

GL. : — "Show 't then ; abuse me, when I take you up 
so sharply." 

O'B. :— "How shall I commence ?" 

GL. : — "Your wits should teach you." 

O'B. :— "Well, then ; you're red-headed." 

GL. : — "I'm not ; my hq,ir is auburn." 

O'B.: — "Faugh!' tis red; your nose 's snubby." 

GL. :— " 'Tis not." 

O'B. : — "Your hands are freckled, your shoulders nai'- 
row, your hips are broad, your foot's too long, your bust 
is large, your ears small, your teeth are sharp, yon — " 

GL. : — "Why, sir, you run a race ! I wouldn't have 
believed it. What on earth do father and your appear- 
ance mean by telling me you're a poor sick hearted genile- 
man ?" 

O'B. : — "You said, abuse, yourself; but keep it up, con- 
tinue on I beg of you, when not engaged ; I'm awful dowii 
in mouth, I tell you." 

GL. : — "Say you so ? Then would you die of solitude." 

O'B. :— "• 't well might be." 

GL. : — "God keep you of that mood for then 'twere safe 
for a lady to speak with you." 

O'B. : — "Mean you 'tis not ever so ? Why lady, I am 
but the spook of man ; a walking shadow ; dead, but not 
yet buried. Behold in me what one refused of death can 
pass into aiid still exist!" 

GL. : — "Oh, make not such eyes at me, I'm impervious ; 



42 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

have you lost your heart i 'Twill grow again ; have friends 
deserted ; there are others ; has money taken \vings ? New 
fortunes are quickly won ; has health escaped ^ Physic and 
be well. O doubt not ! I yet shall hear you've lustily sworn 
your plight to some deluded woman ; 'tis a Avay your self- 
deceived men have of starting in afresh, but father comes, 
I'll leave you now to business." 

{Ex. GL.) 

O'B. {calling) : — "When I return from -war with hon- 
ors you shall have opportunity to prove good your words." 

GL. (outside) : — "Oh, la I do you take me so. {Enter 
Guv. — farew^ell, — good bye, — bonjour, — bright days are 
just begun." 

GOV.: — "So; 'tis all arranged. You start tomorrow 
morning with ^aginnis and two full new regiments to 
join the army of the Potomac. Lee has entered Penn- 
sylvania and there's bound to be a heavy engagement soon. 
Do your best all of you ; for it's God help the Xorth, if 
this fight goes wrong — we've too many balking here at 
home already." 

O'B. : — "I will, sir, if my poor strength can help any- 
thing it shall be done." 

GOV. : — "That's all that can be askeu lor and now good 
bye. When next we meet, may it be with happier au- 
guries." 

O'B. : — "Even so. Farewell, kind sir." 

(Exeunt severally) (Gloria appears waving after O'B.) 

CFRTAIX. 

ACT IV., srEXE L 

(Confederate Camp, Gettysburg. General's Headquar- 
ters. Enter President Davis, Generals Lee, Hood.) 

DAVIS : — "Yes, gentlemen, our states believed them- 
selves communities, distinctly sovereign each, so made by 
our progenitors who braved the forests wild, and savage 
Indians to establish on such foundations rather than com- 
fortablv thrive in Europe's iron enthrallment base. There- 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 43 

fore, tliey having so endured to form a free Virginia, Caro- 
lina, Georgia and all of our dear sisterhood; shall we, 
their children, relinquish easilv such dear bequeathments ? 
Xay; not while Providence provides us hope to struggle 
on. Out of nothing have we now a government resting 
solely on its people's love, — they not only cheerfully sub- 
mitting to its laws, but more — being willing to offer life 
itself in our support. Than this, could greater argument 
be used to show the justice of our cause i Other govern- 
ments have all the bent of 'stablished things ; certain mo- 
mentums of custom "mongst the people ; natural strong dis- 
like for discommoding change to hold mankind in line, and 
for no other reason but that being so 'tis thought 'twere 
best. We are different — from boundary to boundary of 
the South the spirit of her peoples throb and is sinking 
or exalted as the progress of our arms command." 

LEE : — "Well, may you say, dear Davis, out of noth- 
ing, nobly have we done till here 'fore Gettysburg there 
sits in gray a most collossal force — the grandest army ever 
marshalled on old Virginia's sacred soil. Pickett tomor- 
row charges our would-be oppressors ; Longstreet flanks 
them ; Hood shall beat them o'er the head, and Mahone 
and Gordon rout them till falling back upon their Wash- 
ington, fugitives, shall spread consternation 'mongst those, 
who, with misguided zeal, would make the term 'United 
States' a singular, not a plural number." 

DAVIS : — "There's allies galore for us i' the Xortli, it- 
self, could they but see centralization's final goal. Ever 
it's been humanity's road to bondage. Over and over — 
proved again and again : — first liberty, then wealth, then 
corruption and decay; whate'er the variations, all the les- 
sons of the past amount to that one tale. 

(Enter General Benj. Butler.) 

HOOD : — "What squint-eyed, great-head pomposity 
from Yankeedom confronts us here T' 

BUTLER : — "'Gentlemen, the compliments of President 
Lincoln and Secretary Stanton, and greetings to you all. 
My name's Butler ; perhaps you've heard of me ?" 

HOOD: — "Why, he's arrogant as hell I" 

DAVIS: — "Peace, general, — sir, you're not, by repu- 



44 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

tation, all unknown to us, and the rather more we wonder 
at the honor of your visit ; 'twere tviser, a year ago, you 
sent one in your place when all the Southrons' pent-up 
rage found outlet on that ISTew Orleans woman order." 

BUTLER: — "Let it pass. A lawyer and I quickly 
come to point. That order was a means on which, most 
fairly, you and I do not agree. 'Tis past and gone; now, 
other things are pressing hotly home. Which here is Lee 
and which is Davis ?" 

HOOD : — "God ! shall I stomp out his guts ? the spawn 
of ^N'orthern boorishness ; shall I throttle, or wipe the 
floor with him ?" 

BUTLEE:~"Mr. President, I imderstand I'm safe 
here, on a mission of peace and under a flag of truce ?" 

DAVIS: — "You are; proceed." 

BUTLER :— "Well, then, know this war is ours. We're 
to win out. We've got the men, and we've got the money : 
Lincoln's tender hearted as a clam, but he can't stop't 
if he would, but he bids me say to you : The nigger's, 
everyone, to his own proper owner shall be paid for, if 
you lay down your arms ; stop this bootless slaughter and 
huge expense of money. LTnless you do, the niggers being 
contraband of war — for that expression they owe your 
liumble servant — as I was saying: unless you do, you'll 
lose them all without a recompence. Here, then, is my 
position, worthy to be scanned of gods or men ; the wear's 
biggest battle now is brewing- -consider, then, how mo- 
mentus for good or evil, your answer; what distress 
'twould save ; what loss and tears, and heartaches, too deep 
for outer visible expression, '\/ould be avoided ; young 
wives and children bruised and trampled in life's fore- 
noon ; old fathers and mothers hastened on towards death's 
twilight. Weigh it well, mj erring friend ; imagine, if 
you can, the difference to ariso from out your simple, eas- 
ily-spoken aye or nay." 

LEE: — "There are those who have presumption to dis- 
agree with you upon the war's result." 

DAVIS : — "Enough ! Say no more. Even I, as Lin- 
coln, cannot if I would." 

BUTLER : — "You can ! You can ! Rise up and be a 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 45 

man ! Suppose a little Southern coterie denounce you ; ten 
thousand fold as many shall owe you unknown, untold 
blessings." 

LEE: — "Sir, you've had your answer. Go; why we 
fight, you do not, could not understand; the bare, unlovely 
atmosphere of your practical native state has robbed you 
of life's best graces. Depait.'' 

HOOD : — "Dear Siry — allow me — I'll show you out. — 
Our compliments — you understand — and Hell's defy, to 
those at Washiijgton.'' 

{Ex. Butler and Hood.] 

LEE:— "If I should .lie, Davis,— if a stray bullet 
should cut me off — " 

DAVIS:— "Lee!" 

LEE ; — "I have a mean f-jeling — and should anything 
happen, whom would you choose to lead these veteran 
infantry of the army of Northern Virginia?" 

DAVIS : — "I had not thought on't; there is no one." 

LEE : — "Where all dc so well I would not specify, ex- 
cept in private, and to y'>ur ear alone, but I would have 
you remember it has seemed to mo that Mahone, above 
others, has shown capacity for organization and com- 
mand." 

DAVIS : — "Eest assured, dear general, I shall never 
forget your wishes. Xow let us in and prepare to break 
our fast, for I can hear Samljo grinding on the coffee." 

(Exeunt.) 

CURTAIX. 

ACT IV., SCEXE IL 

(Gettysburg Federal Camp Battle-ground at Early Dawn. 
Enter Generals Meade and Hancock.) 

MEADE: — "Yes, dear Hancock, the battle draws 
nigh, the drowsy, sultry morn's about to break. God help 
us in the Hell of gore it's bringing forth ; help us and give 
us strength to see it through. All their boasted Southern 
chivalry sit here before us, wrapped as yet, — in night's 



46 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

mistj mantle, but soon, unlimbering at us with vengeful 
columns, coils and sinuousities, lioree and foot, front and 
flank, artillery and bayonet. O, they'll test our strength 
at every point, — these grim old veterans of the South, — 
the length of this smoky, thundrous July day." 

{Enter General Sickles.) 

"Mawnin, old Sickle-swath to rebel twigs. Could you 
not wish a cheerier couch and den than that from which 
you've just arisen on these smoky Pennsylvanian hills?" 

SICKLES : — "^ay. Here, am I ; here, act I, and 
would not change to other time nor place." 

MEADE: — "]^ow, God keep you of that heart I lose't 
not, Sickles, nor let your fiercest spirit be extinguished, 
before this field of Gettysburg, o' this rocky road to Wash- 
ington, is won for the Union and the right ; and you, dear 
Hancock, go to your staff; be guided as marked we out 
in last evening's conference. — I see a stirring yonder ; the 
fray will soon begin." 

(Exit Hancock, saluting.) 

SICKLES:— "Shall I attend you, General?" 

MEADE : — '^ISTo, bi-ave comrade ; go with gallant Han- 
cock ; later will I summon you, but as yet would be 
alone a while in self -commune." 

SICKLES: — "May all of fortune's tricks and chance.i 
blow favorably for us today." 

{Exit Sickles.) 

MEADE : — "Lord bless us, old fire-eater ! your confi- 
dence cheers me mightily." 

{Enter J. L. Flynn, Jacobs and Abbott.) 

FLYN]N'> — "Fall in; fall in; is it? and so dark one 
can hardly see the color on 's own blouse. Its fallen we'll 
be, Peter Abbott, before this blessed day is over, or I'm 
mistaken in the premises. Virgin, Mary, aid us, or we're 
like to be in bad distraits !" 

J. L. : — "I think we shall hold 'um off. Hancock's 
a better head than the majority of folks imagine, and 
they do say, Meade gives 'm a free hand." 

JACOBS : — "Lackadav, my wife and children there> 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 47 

poor and alone, an' this field prove my cemetery. — Who's 
this ?" 

MEADE :— ''A friend." 

JACOBS :— "What regiment ?" 

MEADE :— ''Sickles' cavalry." 

J. L. ; — -"A good man ; what does a' think of our 
chances ?" 

MEADE:' — "As just so-so; we shall beat them, or we 
shall be driven back and have our capital ransacked by 
the rebs, or Philadelphia entered and the bell of Liberty 
stole away. In w^hich case, the whole of ]\Iaryland, likely 
to become rebellion's hottest bed; there'll truly be the 
deuce to pay." 

J. L. : — "He hasn't told this and caused 't to be spread 
throughout the iSTorth?" 

MEADE : — "N'o ; why should he ? He knows as well as 
any the country's full enough of doubts, dissensions, and 
self -glorifying praters ; with all the nation's rag-tag howl- 
ing 'gainst the government. Oh, I tell you Father Abra- 
ham, himself, well nigh gave up the ghost after those little 
happenings at Chancellorsville and Fredericksburg. So 
swayed are we by present loss. The best of us, at times, 
lose sight of our assurance with the end. I know him 
well — Lincoln; there's no man in the country feels so 
deeply as does he this protracted devastation of our fair 
land." 

FLYNN: — "I've heard he's got a story pat for every 
turn; and looks at great things through the spy-glasses' 
smaller end." 

J. L. : — "Though a' labors so to bolster humor up, I 
believe a' could wish himself back i' some lusty lUinoisian 
town bearding with touchy justices on points of law or a- 
arguing country juries with facts in equity." 

MEADE: — "Nay; I differ there; all that's past and 
gone. His back 's turned to it and he believes himself in 
higher hands working out the will o' God. Come woe! 
come pain ! come death ! he'll on, if my advice prevails, 
till his last gasp of corporeal breath 'scapes to eternity's 
infinitude — an' the work be not sooner done." 



48 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



JACOBS : — " 'Would, then, your counsel run on differ- 
ent lines or a' could alone work out negro salvation. Then, 
should there be fewer dead before their time ; nor widows 
and children crying: father come! father come!" 

MEADE: — "Too heavy your dreams last night, old 
man ; I know you mean different and '11 say so too, when 
the action is on, — but, to 't now, boys, dress up your ranks ; 
there's warmwork coming for us all." 

(Exeunt all but Meade. Enter Guy.) 

GUY:— ''Who's here?" 

MEADE :— "A friend." 
GUY: — '"Soldier or correspondent?" 

MEADE : — "T hope to call myself a soldier before the 
day is out." 

GUY?; — "You've smelt powder, then; heard bullets 
whiz, and watched men's life blood spurt out in awful 
jets ?" 

MEADE : — "Yes, I've been through it all. And you-^ 
who are you?" 

GUY: — "As good as some that wear their straps." 

MEADE : — "Then, are your superiors negligent ; you 
should have them too." 

GUY: — "My superiors are pimps to public opinion, 
all, — they're all the same an' 'twere not so there'd be fewer 
fine things done> — mark my words for it. 'Tis not the 
deed that spurs men on, but how it's o-oing to 'feet them i' 
the eyes of other men; — so 'twill print well, no more is 
necessary — and therein's where we privates get's it spread 
on us and rubbed in and never know it. — What's your 
name, anyway ?" 

MEADE :— "McMeed." 

GUY: — "Scotch extraction, I take it?" 

MEADE:— "No; Irish." 

GUY 3 — "Know old Colvil who maltreated my cousin 
t'other day ?" 

MEADE :■ — "I know him well, yes ; but did not know 
he maltreated anyone." 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 49 

GUY: — "Well, he called the lad dovm, sharply. You 
can tell 'm — an' he and I meet on a St. Patrick's day — • 
I'll shove his green badge down his throat and make 'm 
eat it." 

MEADE : — "Never trv it friend ; he's a bad, bad man 
to tackle in that kind of way." 

GUY : — "A comrade of yours maybe ?" 

MEADE :— "Countryman." 

GUY :— "Well, t' hell with you, then." 

MEADE :— '^Oh, that's all right." 

GUY : — "My name's Guy — if you want to know it." 

{Exit Guy.) 

MExVDE : — "The name is good enough." 

(Enter Stannard and Colvil, meeting.) 

STAXXARD :— "Col. Colvil!" 

COLYIL: — "Aye, brother Stannard, — out'n the 
guard-house when there's desperation going forward. 
Colvil's slouchy ! ColviFs insubordinate ; he tends to 
lower morale and discipline; until there's work for 
men — not dudes — to do; then, must grizzled unkempt 
war dogs come into the play — they're good enough for that. 
To hell with their waxed dandies on parade I Let 'm to 
Washington and dance attendance on the ladies while men 
pay rebels, score for score, down here." 

STA:N'jS'ARD :— "Rage not. This is all to be expected. 
The name ! the name's to many more than substance. What 
really is, is nothing — so it appears but well." 

COLYIL : — "I believe ye, and thank God I'm not built 
that way, and that there are some to keep me company. 
Social pull and favoritism up there in Congress is pro- 
longing this struggle beyond endurance." 

STAIs'NARD :— "Sh-h ! not so fierce : there's ears all 
over." 

COLYIL: — "Thanks. 'Tis useless to rate and prate; 
I'm mum as any stiff." 

STAI^IS'ARD : — "' 'Tis as good a way as any. Be easy 
— the end and time will prove us all, and put the credit 



50 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 



marks where thej are due. It's taken time to weed out old 
Scott's pets and protegees, but Ave're down to business now 
and have about all of them replaced by pugnacious fel- 
lows with Executive brains. 'Now let's make ready. Hear ! 
— that opening shot of Gettysburg — a trump of doom to 
many a soul." 

(Exit Colvil and Stannard.) 

MEADE (advancing) : "Hard experience makes keen 
judgment — and now to try results with, Lee." (Exit.) 

ACT IV., SCENE III. 

(The Same. Another Part of the Field. Abbott, Flynn, 
J. L. burying bodies of dead soldiers.) 

J. L. (chanting) — 0, we'll hang Jeff. Davis on a sour 
apple tree. 

ABBOTT:— "Two heavy days o' this fight, and now 
that evening shade draws nigh we must not rest, but do 
our last service to the dead." 

ELYN]^ : — ''Is not it a burial for men of decent famil- 
ies and some of handsome properties too ? Oh, the pity 
on't!" 

J. L. : — '"I tell you 'tis an honorable grave as you'll find, 
and '11 keep green longer i' the hearts of men than myriads 
others tombs that are marked with granite shafts; there- 
fore, make it deep and smooth, Flynn, that our boys 
may fitting take their last long sleep in peace, safe away 
from jackals and the like." 

FLYlsr]Sr: — "They'd orter been sent to their own 
churchyards back home, not stuffed in here, with none to 
tend the spot." 

J. L. : — ■" 'T cannot be ; the dead are easy where'er they 
lie, but the living, — Lord have mercy on them — rack and 
groan with ills and wants. Let the dead rest, the quick are 
properer subjects for aught that's done in amelioration's 
sake." 

FLYNN' : — "Is that the present doctrine ?" 

J. L. : — "Aye, of sense and competence." 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 5l 



FLYNJST: — "Well, I like it not, this burying in heaps; 
mixing bones past all recovery ; how shall it be too, in res- 
urrection day, with the dust all intermingled ?" 

J. L. : — "Fudge ! Drat the dust and bones ; they are 
naught; they are mixed before; the living look you; eat 
the dead ; take a vine, for instance, with its roots run- 
ning down into men's and women's graves, gaining sub- 
stance from the bodies therein; that vine bears grapes; 
those grapes make wine ; I drink that wine and there you 
have it. ISTo; Flynn, mind ye, 'tis some other essence 
that resurrects." 

FLYNN":— "Think you 'tis spirit only?" 

J. L : — ''Exactly ; a sort of current rising out of 
mixing your hot blood with your gray ganglion. On just 
what 'tis wiser 'n us have puzzled long, but, warrant you, 
'twere plain enough if known, — ^my pick-axe there. — I 
swear I'd swore a month ago I'd never sweat like this — 
their glassy eyes stare and spur me so." 

FLYNIST: — ''AVho first brought forth this resurrection, 
was't Jacob?" ' 

JOB : — "'Twas Moses on the mount. I could much 
expound you, Flynn, of Samuel and all the other proph- 
ets and the evils of pork-eating, but 'tis vain; this age 
has run away from all of that, yet — ^by my faith, an' I 
shrived and cleaned, I'd not be so far off either. 'Tis not 
the outer punctiliousnesses that count in spiritual mat- 
ters, 'tis the inner heart, Flynn. — Hark." 

{Hymn music in distance.^ 

ABBOTT :— "Know you not that out of Jewish de- 
spond, 'twas Christ of Calvary raised up our belief to 
hopes of beatific future life ? {Kneels) Oh, God, see us 
amidst all this appalling destruction of those created in 
Thy image! Look down on us from Heaven with pity! 
Thy servants are far off from Thee, engulfed in sin, and 
crying for the light. O, God, this bloody day has sent all 
unprepared to judgment ten thousand of Thy creatures, 
and yet yawns the morrow for others. O, God, we know 
of North or South, 'tis one to Thee. Beseech Thee, con- 
sider the importunity of our time and all absolve of both 
sins committed and sins omitted." 

{Music stops.) 



52 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

J. L. : — "Amen, old Abbott, I'm not of thee, but given 
a proper situation right well can 1 ^appreciate jour pious 
feelings." 

{Drags up a body.) 

(Enter O'Brien and Maginnis.) 

O'BRIEI^: — "JSTothing but burying, burying; in pits, 
trenches, ditches ; singly, doubly, by scores, by hundreds ; 
look where you will, 'tis going on, there must be thousands 
planted in already hereabouts. Priests and ceremonies 
had a glut of occupation now, but lacking novelty occa- 
sion's cheapened, so comes it out their rites are not required 
at all." 

MAGINI^IS : — ''Kever think, O'Brien, that frequency 
cheapens death ; its always very acute ; a cold fact and 
means much ; to me, say, the leaving friends and family ; 
to you, perhaps, chagrin at losing life before you've solved 
it ; to another, this and this, or that and that, whate'er it is, 
it always j)resses home, mind that. Who was this ?" 

J. L. : — ''That was a Vermonter, and tliis a Minneso- 
tan." 

O'BRIEX : — "Both from lands of maple trees, of boil- 
ing sap and planting seed in spring time blithe and fresh — 
I would I could renew my youth Maginnis." 

MAGIIsT^Tis._^'Xush! Why, boy, I doubt if you're 
of legal age ; you brood too much on grief and loss ; now, 
that we're here to play our part in these gigantic scenes, 
doubt not the end of dispensations sent from God, nor that 
all their worth and harmony, sooner or later, appears to 
you. By the by, were't proper to speak of such a thing. 
I think I know of one whose eyes'll welcome you from war, 
although her tongue may not." 

O'B. — :"If you mean what I think, and I had a heart 
to give, no greater joy were possible than to have it an- 
chored there — but, woe is me. I am but the shell of man, 
a moving semblance, the shadow of reality." 

MAGHSTN'IS: — "Oh, you're all right. These corpses 
here, poor fellows, are the shells of men — attend you on 
their interment ; I must away to Hancock ; despond you 
not. I guarantee tomorrow's work will regulate these 
fancies in your brain — life is moving, ever marching on 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 53 



Avard— the dead is still and stays behind. Fall in, then, 
nor think to change nnalterable laws of time and men ; the 
end '11 unravel many things for von and some, I hope, for 
me that you wot not of." 
(Exit Maginnis.) 

O'B. : — "Wliat heart he puts in life — they all do in fact 
— all but me whom am like a withered cocoon that should 
have fallen long, long ago." 

J- L- : — '^Withered cocoons — Bosh ! boy, here are 
cracked cocoons for you. This Minnesotan's scarce a bone 
unbroken left. They say, a' fell across his colonel, when 
the old man was down, and bore the brunt of trampling 
feet. It fixed 'm, I tell you, but the Colonel's saved all 
right, all right." 

O'B. : — "What's the proper thing to do in war. Job. 
I've heard you marched in Mexico with Taylor and ought 
to know the necessary." 

J. L. : — "Young sir, look you — one of the first things 
your new soldier's got to learn is how to take care 'f him- 
self — give a hand on this giant's legs there — most of 'em 
being merely children in that respect. He's accustomed 
to life's conveniences at home and sadly lacks your provi- 
dent foresight which is habit with a veteran. Comes a 
sudden, unexpected march — his old shoes wear out the very 
first day. Comes a cold, stormy night — his blankets, cook- 
ing pan and food are miles back along the line, thrown 
away to lighten 's load. This fellow's warm yet — must 
have just died — then again, perhaps your greenhorn, in a 
steaming prespiration, finds a cold spring of water. 
Straightway he drinks his fill and makes himself a candi- 
date for the hospital. Also, he often sneaks out of col- 
umn on the march and lies down to rest in fence corners ; 
then heartsick, homesick, marches on alone of nights to 
join his company, or — to die, and he don't care which." 

O'B. : — "But the drills ; the moving forward and the 
moving back without doing anything; ain't it horribly 
tedious ?" 

el. L. : — "To your novice, yes ; because he don't under- 
stand the finesse, as it were. It must be distinctly under- 
stood that somewhere in all this maneuvering there's going 
to come a fight when victory's to be won — or lost. Then, 



54 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

look you — fail you in that emergency — all else is failure 
too. Your army must be ready when the critical time 
comes, with full strength and full cartridge boxes. For 
this is martial discipline maintained — to be prepared when 
the hour is come. How hot it is, boys, how hot is is ! but 
cover then deep all the same. Little we know how soon 
somebody will be doing this for us." 

O'B. : — "^Well, Job, anyhow you appear better here than 
at Willowdale trotting sidewalks nights from one saloon 
to tother. I wouldn't have believed it." 

J. L. : — "Boy, make me not homesick-^but, by Zooks ! 
I never forgave you Gene's death, O'Brien, till this mo- 
ment. I believe, now, 'twas but natural you did what you 
did and I'm not saying anything and I'm going to see you 
through here. We'll go inspect yonder trench, now. Spare 
not elbow grease, boys. Use plenty of earth; you'd want 
it so yourself; furthermore we want to have it so all be 
shapely when they first shall come to dedicate this well 
and quickly populated cemetery. Come, O'Brien." 

{Exit J. L. and O'Brien.) 

CUETAIl^. 

ACT IV, SCE^^E IV. 

(The same. . .Anotlier part of the field. . .Shots and shouts. 
Enter J. L., Guy, and Union Soldiers.) 

GUY : — "Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot ! but don't dodge or 
you'll catch a bullet." 

J. L. : — "Aye, and be shot, shot, shot, shot ! happier 
they who died on the battle's opening day than labor to the 
third and then be killed. In all that I have ever known 
battles didn't last a week but were finished sudden-like and 
done with. This war, I tell you, is running into contra- 
diction; nevertheless let's force them on; on." — (Exeunt.) 

(Enter Hancock and staff.) 

HA^TOOCK :— "Ha ! Pickett comes ! with the flower of 
Lees' army in his wake. Kow's the moment looked for 
long! Have at thee, devil-dare rebeller, 'gainst all that's 
true in men or state ! O, may we scourge the earth of such 
rancorous o-rowth !" 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 55 



(Theij charge off. Enter O'Brien and Union soldiers.) 

O'BRIEN: — "Give it to the devils with these cobble- 
stones, when they come again ! Gather 'em all up, they're 
better'n arms in this hot rongh-and-tnmble." 

{Enter Confederates. They fight and are driven off. 
Enter J. L.) 

J- L- : — "Oh, O'Brien, you'll win your straps an' you 
continue on like this. Oh, I'm blowed, scarcely can I 
breathe." 

{Enter Hancock and Colvil, severally.) 

HANCOCK:— "Furies of Hell; they've broken Sickles' 
line ! My life, for five minutes stay till the reserves come 
up. What regiment is this ?" 

COLVIL:— "The First Minnesota." 

HANCOCK :— "You here? thank God! Colvil, see! 
Pickett's coming there ! charge those lines, charge. 
Charge, CHARGE ! though the last man of you dies." 

COLVIL :— "First Minnesota! Right shoulder shift! 
Follow now your colonel through this galled Hell to a sol- 
dier's fitting end ! Charge, First Minnesota. Charge ! 
Charge, CHARGE !" 

{Exeunt Except Hancock.) 

{Outside) — "Thrust bayonets !" 

{Alarms.) 

HANCOCK:— ("VFi^/i field glass) "'Superb, Superb! 
but I knew they'd do it. The reb's have actually come to 
a dead stand. Glory ! Glory ! before they get momentum 
again the reserves will be uj). Oh give me every time half 
a thousand fiery men for a quick turn and a lightning 
stroke!" 

{Exit.) 

CURTAIN. 

ACT IV, SCENE V. 

{The same. Another part of the field. Enter Jeffries 
and Fessenden, meeting. Shots. Shouts.) 

JEFFRIES : — "Your name, reb, that dare presume on 



56 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

stopping me, once I've started in a fighting? take care, 
you." 

FESSENDEN :_'^ressenclen,— d'ye hear \ A Fessen- 
den, of Virginia. Now fight — or run." 

JEFFRIES :— "Oh, balls! college day bravado, nor 
plantation deviltry shall avail you here. Mine's Jeffries', , 

come proud youth and test a man's strength." f| 

FESSEI^DElsT :— "Many o' your ilk 's felt mine before 
today, as shall you now." 

JEFFRIES : — "In all the upper Susquehanna valley, I 
was champion scrapper ; an' you do me, I give you credit 
for it." 

FESSEIsTDEIsT:— "The field's too small for both of us. 
Come on you — " 

{They fight. Jeffries falls. Enter General Lee.) 

LEE : — "Oh, doughty Fessenden, fought they all as you 
we'd not been in such disorder here today." 

FESSElSTDE^sT:— "Why!— do our ranks break?" 

LEE : — ''Aye, all's confounded, these northers fight like 
devils and foiled Picketts' charge which should 'a won the 
day. O, grievous! I begin to fear the end o' Butler's 
prophesying. The fates are leagued against us." 

FESSENDEI^I" :— ":N'ot so, not so ; I will not have it so ! 
Oh, not yet, not ever defeat ! Lee's grini veterans, at 
least, may still retire where others had beeen beat." 

(Exit Fessenden.) 

LEE : — "C^ourtly Fessenden, you cheer my hope ! One 
more essay to win this triple day's accursed carnage 
ground — failing that, I'll use Avelcome nights' black cover 
and back again in comely orde,i' across Potomac river." 

(Exit.) 

(Enter General Hood.) 

HOOD: — -"Shame and confusion ! All is on the rout; 
disorder frames fear and panic-stricken men but run 
where they should fight the harder. O war, with Hell's lick- 
ing tongues, Avhom angry Heavens make their correcting 
rods ! O, let the vile world end, and the promised flames 



THE HON. JuB LARSON. 57 



of judgment dav bring earth and sky together now!" 

{Re-enter Fessenden) : — ''Fly, General, fly! for our 
discomfiture is complete. Hancock rages like a mad stal- 
lion. Away! Death pursues and none may wait." 

HOOD : — "But see — what's yonder blue-coats skurrying 
across the hillside? Is't possible Longstreet's pushing 
them ?" 

FESSENDEN:— "Bah! 'tis their high aristocratic 
militia. Meek as lambs where sulphur stinks — see 'em 
shie behind the undergrowth !" 

HOOD: — "True, 'tis them. There was other blood 
than that to deal with, Fessenden. God ! they fight as only 
good conditioned, well jjrovisioned men can — on and on 
and never tire — we cannot stem it more, but must fall 
back as best we may." 

{Exeunt. Enter Meade, Hancock, Sickles and others.) 

HANCOCK: — "The Union and Victory! fight, soldiers, 

fight !" 

MEADE : — "Oh, matchless Hancock, praised be God, 
the field is ours ! lost and recovered back again ! 'tis a 
double honor and God hath glory in this happy end." 

HANCOCK : — "My noble general, proud and happy, I 
to have served with you on this great advancement to our 
cause." 

MEADE: — "Thanks, thou prince of chargers; but for 
thee we'd ne'er accomplish half so much. Now, a day, 
breathe we soldiers ; good fortune bids us pause and still 
war's tumults with slumber's soothing balm. Let some few 
cavalry pursue the gaunt and bloody Southerners and see 
to it they get but little rest — we'll attend our wounded, 
count our dead, and give them safe interment ; then, tomor- 
row, burnish our accoutrements, and after Lee to finish 
that we have so well begun — Hancock you faint ! is aught 
the matter ?" 

HANCOCK : — '^Nay, 'tis nothing — a mere scratch ; I 
had forgotten it." 

MEADE : — "He weakens — attend you him there along 
with me. 'Twere a sadder ending than glory could repay 
if the cost included thee. Stop — go you on, I follow in a 



58 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

moment — Sickles !" 

SICKLES :— ''Aye, General." 

MEADE : — ''Lincoln wired ; so fell it out that we could 
spare them to despatch three regiments of our best west- 
erners to New York City to check the mobs up there. 
There be others just as good yet having done service than 
which did men never better I hesitate not to nominate — 
mark them down — the First Minnesota ; the Seventh Mich- 
igan ; the Eighth Ohio ; attend you this, dear brother, soon 
as may be when they've taken rest." 

SICKLES :— "It shall be done." 
{Exeunt.) 

CURTAIK 

ACT V, SCENE L 

(1865, Washington — The White House. Discovered Gen- 
erals Meade, Hancock, Gov. of N. Y., J. L., Maginnis, 
O'Brien and others. Corpse of President Lincoln on 
hier. Grand march.) 

MEADE : — "Come we soldiers for a last look 
At our great beloved commander's face — 
Oh, gloomy day ! Oh day that sees our North 
Enwrapped in woe's black pall ! 
Drenched in sorrow that Lincoln's taken hence, 
Where rolls x\tlantic on rocky shores 
To Mississippi's fruitful plains. 

Rage ye ! O Heaven's elements in fitting accompaniment to 
our woful thoughts." 

HANCOCK: — "Lincoln, our martyred president, too 
noble, too unselfish 
For this Philistinic age. 
Gone, when after four crowded years 
In our favor the contest is decided. 
Just as the goal is reached ! it seems too hard." 

GOV. N. Y. : — "None since Washington could with him 
compare, 
Purified that great heart 
In the crucible of early loss. 
His tempered mind ; looking not on surfaces, 
But down below at the heart of thino;s ; 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 59 



His noble personality 's infused 
And colored so strongly in the era of his scene, 
That when history records these epochal years 
His great soul shall pervade it all." 

BUTLEE : — **We whimper here : Why rage we not in 
arms? 
Father Abe is basely stricken down, 
And like school boys we falter all confused, 
Making pomp of grief where should avenge 
Plot and deed so base as this. 
Are we cravens to suffer it to pass 
Without swift N'emesis following fast? 
Lets make them smart and pay their sins." 

MEADE :— "]^ot so, not so, 
Himself would want it otherwise 
^o evidence is there; 

But that in 's diseased brain, the murderer. 
Conceived and hatched the foulest egg- 
Spawned since time began. 
So it is ; so it stands ; with God-like strength, 
Lincoln's passed i' the hey-dey of his glory." 

GOV. ]Sr. Y. : — ^'Tn one way with all its sadness. 
It doth indeed seem fitting, 
!N^ever now shall he fall in those retrogressions. 
Common to all when decay approaches 
For eternity stands his record all unalterable, 
N'or shall in no wise tarnished be." 

J. L. : — " 'S death ! poor consolation in my way of think- 
ing, 
For a man's dead he's dead and all's one to him." 

GOV. Is''. Y. : — ''Not so, a good man never dies, 
But his influence goes on and on 
Somewhere, somehow, through all the ages." 

MEADE : — ''Well, move you on ; bear out the corpse ; 
the people all are waiting — the whole of Washington 
and half the country's lined twixt here and Union Sta- 
tion to honor with their tears our great leader's last de- 
parture to his loved western home." 

(Exit all hut J. L.) 

J. L. : — "ISTow comes upon this world's fleeting stage — 



60 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

President Andy Johnson — He shall give me some good 
commissions in the public service or rouse the ire of all 
the Yankees in upper Susquehanna valley, I mean, not 
that; but that, I mean; is what I'll make him think 'twill 
do, — there's no sense in this thing the way it's been a-going 
on — the government owes me a berth and has got to pay its 
debt ; that's all there is about it. 

(Ente7- Martha) — "Good Lord! Good Lord! Are 
you too attending these high functions ? Are you here ?" 

MARTHA: — "I am here. Job Larson, I'm here and 
more — for two long years I've been waiting for this mo- 
ment to tell you Avhat I think, but — gracious, me! how 
you've changed ?" 

J. L. : — Ah, me ! Yes, Martha, I know w^hat you 
would say — I hope never again to be the old reprobate I 
was in those days. They're past and gone now, Martha, 
and are nothing to the point — I love you much as ever !" 

MARTHA : — "Not here. Job ; don't commence to talk 
of 't here, dear." 

J. L. : — "Here or anywhere ; it's so and must be out- 
wardly expressed. You wouldn't think it — an old coon 
like me — -but many a night with marching spent and worn, 
I've laid down and dreamed of you, not your gauzy castle- 
building dreams, but solid dreams that come home unto the 
hearts of men. Such was I ; and being so, and being here, 
shall not I express to you ?" 

MARTHA: — "This is a public place; wait until we are 
more private. You are so — wliy don't you ask of George ?" 

J. L. : — "Since you are here, I take it for granted the 
boy is well — but seriously, Martha, the inner inwardness 
o' my mind 's been shown to me during these two years' 
absence. I've great hopes of advancement in the new ad- 
ministration, and shall need a comely wife to grace my 
high position. Let's then to a parson straight; we've 
courted enough ; let us marry now without delay, and with 
good speed so that ere nightfall falls we '11 have accom- 
plished it." 

(Pulls her away.) 

MARTHA : — "Its so sudden and unexpected — " 
(Exeunt. Enter Gloria and O'Brien, meeting.) 



THE HON. JOB LARSON. 61 



GLORIA: — "God-a-mercy ! Are not you dead yet? 
have you, indeed, soldiered these two vears and lived to 
tell it?" 

O'ERIEK" : — "Alive, yes — but would not be, so only for 
your medicine." 

GLORIA : — "Medicine ! my medicine ? — I never gave 
you medicine." 

O'B. : — '^Invisible essence, I mean, not pills from ma- 
teria medica. Like some subtle tonic there's that about 
you invigorates to me — O be not angry of my hasty, ill- 
chosen words ! Remember a soldier's longing for the very 
crumbs of gentler life, which though falling unnoted on the 
pampered seem like tidbits to your long abstainer's fasted 
senses. When, that time, I left you for soldier duty there 
was but a tithe of spirit left in me — and half of that 
through spite of you. As my only spring to action then, 
little by little through those months I nursed and cherished 
your sympathetic looks and actions in my sore and black- 
ened heart : and did it so well, that 'tis become a part of 
me ; grown beyond all comprehension or management. 
Therein lies my future, on your compunction hung; fail 
me, I am naught but that I was before ; therefore, are you 
cleared ; seems this abrupt to you, Gloria ? 'Tis fa- 
miliar to me as sun to day ! Dearest, if no other ties, can 
you make room for one insignificant as even I ? Look 
you — a little something — a major's straps, an' you but 
valued them!" 

GLORIA: — "I think they're nice (smoothing them), 
but I— I'm engaged {O'B sinks on chair), but then, he 
doesn't want me. 

O'BRIEX {rises):— "Then you'll have me? O, say, 
Gloria, — Say't and I'll shout with joy!" 

GLORIA :— "If I get released,— I don't care." 

O'B. : — "What makes you think you might be ? I'm 
fearful — fear I cannot compass such felicity ! Who is't ?" 

GLORIA :—"Capt. Maginnis." 

O'B. :— "Maginnis ! Oh-li— " 

GLORIA : — "But he wants Victoria." 

O'B. : — "Does he though ? Then, darling, shall he have 



62 THE HON. JOB LARSON. 

her with our best wishes (seizes her hands) ? 

GLOKIA: — ''This is not the shattered man I saved. 
Were jou but fooling me and taking mean advantage of my 
pity? — so there!" 

O'B. : — ''JSTever, never. O sweet pity ! O sweet love ! 
Gaze into mine eyes and read mv truth and I thine. — 
Thus should we never tire till time's sands were outrun." 

(They retire. Ee-enter J. L. and Martha.) 

J. L. : — "God bless you, with my acquaintance 'mongst 
army chaplains you could marry half a dozen times in 
walking half as many blocks. They're thicker here in 
Washington, in these latter days than government jobs 
ever were or ever will be — be gobs ! O, I feel funny ; I'll 
never go to war again Martha ; I'll stay at home and 
cultivate the softer arts — me hearts ! There't e'oes again ! 
How is't with you, Maginnis ? Here's me 'n O'Brien — by 
the looks over yonder — in high content, while you are 
glum as soured oysters — (sings) : 

"O an old tin can and a little pug tan as away he ran, 
ran." 

MAGINNIS :— "You see, Victoria, how she fawns on 
him (indicates Gloria atid O'B.). Why hold you out 
longer and refuse a soldier lover his aftermath of con- 
solation ?" 

VICTOKIA:— "Well, if 'tis so, I am content; have it 
as you wdll." 

MAG.:— "Joy! joy!" 

(Kisses her. Enters Oov. of N. Y.) 

GOV. : — "I never thought to peep, but really I couldn't 
interrupt. It seems to me that shoulder straps must as- 
sist in wooing, however much must be forgiven such mi- 
settled times as ours. Now down to Albany, N. Y., we'll 
hie ourselves and at my house celebrate these weddings 
three, and print it in the papers "wooed and won in the 
White House." In our lives joy and sorrow's mixed. 
Grotesque antics played on sober proprieties." 

"If otherwise with you, 

"Thank you your divinity 

"That you are better than we." 

OURTAIK 



